On the Eve of New Year's Eve...

Been a while...

Tonight, on the eve of New Year's Eve, there is one thing on my mind and that is...LOVE. A word that has been rendered meaningless over time. For each person has their own definition of love and uses it interchangeably with other words, such as, like ( as in I love those shoes), prefer (I love my Science class and I hate English), affection, attachment, obsession, and the list goes on and on. All that being said, LOVE is still here...it is still around and I do not see it going away any time soon.

Here is why I think LOVE will be around for years to come (or as they say in the fairy tales, why "love will last forever"). Anyone who has ever been in a long-term, committed relationship with someone else cannot deny that there is this essence, this esoteric "something"....or to be fancy, this "je ne sais quoi" that exists to bind people together despite seemingly insurmountable odds. Think about it. How do two individuals (in some cultures, more than two) with completely different backgrounds, sets of experiences, expectations, temperaments, inherited and learned traits and patterns of behaviors, drives, motivations, etc. come together and make it work? How does that happen?! Even people who come from the same kind of general background, socioeconomic status, education, religious affiliation, etc., are, still, immeasurably different from each other. Consider how unalike brothers and sisters can be. But, despite all the variance and innumerable possibilities, two come together and try to establish some kind of meaningful relationship with one another.

Even in serious, committed relationships that have "ended"...they never really end, there remains a "something" left behind, something that either part of the broken pair are never really quite able to shake or let go of.

But what is it? What is it that makes us try to do the impossible? What, when things get bumpy, or when there are misunderstandings, or when someone is feeling neglected or someone else is just plain hurt, what brings us past these points in our relationships? What makes us say, I CHOOSE you over fear of disappointment, I CHOOSE you over resentment and bitterness, I CHOOSE you even when I do not understand you, I CHOOSE to trust you even when I am most vulnerable, I CHOOSE you even when, even when, even when.....(fill in the blank)

To take the good, the bad, the everything....To love someone and to continue to TRUST that its going to all work out NO MATTER WHAT, to wake up EVERY morning and EVERY morning be thankful that you get to spend your life with this someone...to still be thankful even when , even when...

Not everyone makes it work, but some do. Some survive...holding on by just a thread, some thrive. How? What makes this possible? There is no name for it and so we give it a name....it may not be LOVE, but that is what we call it. That is how we identify this "something" that makes a miracle possible.

Miracles do not come cheap, though. Nor are they guaranteed. They must not be taken for granted. EVERY DAY, see it, see your miracle...appreciate it..marvel at it and give thanks...even when...

And no one can tell you how to make YOUR miracle work. Outside advice or counsel can provide information, perspective, etc. but at the end of the day it is YOU and THE OTHER PERSON and that is all. It may not make sense to anybody else in the world...it may not even make complete sense to you...but it still works and why? The miracle...LOVE.

To end the year with LOVE on my mind, I think is good. To begin the new one with it? Even better. Now....to tend to, protect, and fight (with sword and shield) for my miracle....

Wait for Sunrise

For those who believed the night would never end....

I remember when I was a little girl asleep in my bed
With the night came shifting shadows and scary visions in my head
And it always seemed as though, the night would never end
but, morning always ushered in the light of a bright friend

Those same shifting shadows came to visit you, they messed with your head
They whispered things one shouldn't hear while crying alone in one's bed
And to you it seemed as though the night would never end
Wish you would have waited until morning came my friend

Wish you would have waited for just one more sunrise
Maybe you would've seen, life's better than it seems
Wish you would have waited for just one more sunrise
I'm sure you would've seen, life really is a dream

A Difficult Choice

Some of you may have heard about Daw Aung San Suu Kyi's recent release from house arrest. This week, she was reunited with one of her sons. This story really touched me. It was something that one might easily dismiss as just a nice, feel-good story, but for me it was much more than that. It shook me and made me ask myself some tough questions about myself and about my journey in life as a woman.

First, I wondered how much conviction must this woman have had to stand up for what she believes in-for her dream-in the face of seemingly insurmountable opposition? She was a prisoner in her own home, cut off from friends, her work, her children. Her husband was dying of cancer and could not enter the country to see her and she refused to leave for fear that the Burmese government would not allow her re-entry (thus, halting her work there). Her son had become a man while she was imprisoned---she missed so much. I thought, "Could I ever make that kind of sacrifice?" I do not believe that I have found a vision or dream for the future of the world that has caused me to want to put the needs of my husband and son aside. Sure, she could see that her sacrifice, in the long run, does serve her family well in that it may make the world they live in better, but I wonder if she has regrets.

Another question that came to my mind was should I have a vision for the world that I am that dedicated to--one that would require me forfeiting my family for the greater good? It is something really, really hard for me to see, at least at this point in life, that there is something more important than my family. Is that because I am short-sighted or is loving and caring for my family enough of a service to the greater good? It does seem as though some people are born to be revolutionaries of the world and others are not. I wonder if that is so. Maybe everyone was born to be a revolutionary but some never encounter the experiences required to develop sight beyond what is right in front of them.

Tough questions. I stared at the picture of Suu Kiu and her son for a long time. I tried to read what was in her eyes. To me, I saw great strength, but also a twinge of sadness there. I wonder how many times, while cut off from the rest of the world for all those years, she wondered to herself...Is it worth it? Is it worth all the sacrifice, will it amount to any significant change? Then, I thought of Spartacus, Martin Luther King Jr., Ghandi, Nelson Mandela....the Beatles:). How many times did they question whether or not what they were doing was really worth it, whether or not it would matter? And, what would our world look like if they had stopped there?

Finally, I wondered if I was asking myself all the wrong questions. Should what Suu Kyi has done even be considered a sacrifice if it is something that she wholeheartedly believed in? She does not even see it as such. In her own words, she basically said it is not a sacrifice for her...it is a choice. She chose it for herself. Everyone chooses for themselves what matters. Was she really casting the needs of her family aside? Did her family even NEED HER to be present by their side? Every person is different, every family functions differently. What if what Suu Kyi chose WAS the best choice for her family. Her sons might even be stronger, healthier, more independent, compassionate people because of her choice? Who is to say that it is not so? I think Suu-Kyi is right. We all make our own choices, as difficult as they may be, and must be ready to own whatever consequences (beneficial or non-beneficial) may result from those choices. I think she has taken full responsibility for the consequences of her choice and that, being the rarity it is these days, is worthy of ANOTHER Nobel Prize.

Not the Sun

I have not posted in a while. I am still letting things marinate right now. In the meantime, here is a little something, something. Not quite a poem...just thoughts I had today:

I am always searching for the sun

sitting near windows and on benches situated far away from the shade of the trees

just to feel those piercing rays of energy etch their way through the epidermal layer

of my skin and radiate throughout the rest of my body

yes, i love the sun

though I love it...I am cautious of it

for I know that if I let it touch me for too long and too strong, it's power might overcome me and rather than be a gentle friend, it may become a malevolent villain--cursing my skin with a touch that I could never welcome

there are books of poetry and albums full of songs that equate love to the sun

I have to admit, that I, in error, once did as well

but, love is not the sun

you do not have to be cautious with it...for what is there to be cautious of if love's touch became too long and too strong?

what bad thing could come from being OVERcome by love?

though we need not fear it, though we need not put on a protective layer of white film between us and love....sometimes we do it anyway

but, love is not the sun

I will sit near the window and on the benches situated far away from the shade of the trees and let love's rays of energy etch their way into my being..without caution..without fear...and allow it to radiate a pulse of warmth throughout my body

love is not the sun

I do not have to search for love....it has found me and it's touch is one that I will always welcome.

Rain is Rain

I watched him walking in the rain. His back hunched over, his hair dripping. "Where will he sleep tonight?", I thought. Then I went back to the rain and thought, "It doesn't care." When the rain falls...it falls. It does not pay mind to such things as whether or not one may have shelter from it. It simply falls. I normally would have loved that rain...but, after watching the way it poured down mercilessly on that old man's head, I wondered if I should.

Then, my thoughts were interrupted by the sound of my son's feet sloshing through the puddles on the ground beneath them. I looked down at him. His face was beaming, his arms stretched out wide, his palms open. He welcomed the rain like one would a long lost friend. He danced, he splashed--he reveled in every single drop that touched him.

The rain that gushed down upon the old man's head was the very same rain that fell upon my son's. Resent it or adore it? I was torn. I decided that neither was appropriate. Rain is rain. Life is life.

I Can't Live Without "ME"

All that really matters is perception. How much understanding you have, how much awareness. How accurate your perceptions are in relation to what really is. That is what matters. I have lived my life with an obsession for validation. I have always depended on others to tell me that I am smart, to tell me that I am beautiful, to tell me that I am a good person. Things I so desire to be. But, even if they tell me these things does that make it so? Is it real? Do these things even matter? It is so limiting. Aren't there much greater things to be? I find myself in a constant state of flux, going back and forth, peace – conflict – peace - conflict --- all of it depending on what feedback I am getting from others around me. But, how can one maintain this way? It is lunacy….madness. There is no external validation that exists that will provide for me the steady peace I seek. Where is the immovable center? To be alone, completely and utterly alone and be content – content with life in a silent room of solitude….until I can get there, I have not truly lived, I have not come to understand anything. When I can get there, then that is when I will be able to give – give entirely. Until I get there, then, all my interactions with people are merely variations of bartering. I give, only to take – to trade. When I can give and be content to never receive in return….that is when, I think, I can say I am a healthy, whole person. That is when I can truly help someone else, when I have understood real compassion.

What kind of friends are we? What kind of spouses are we? What kind of parents are we, if we are constantly seeking to take pieces of our friends, our spouses, our children away to add to our sense of worth? It is painful, deeply hurtful, to think about these things…but necessary. I wrote of the inescapability of selfishness before and on my doubt that any act is done for a purpose apart from self-preservation. Is it really inescapable – is there a way to TRANSCEND the self? Just because I haven’t seen it or experienced it yet…does that mean that it cannot …or that it has not been done?

I think it was Mother Theresa who once said (this is paraphrased), you give until it hurts, and then you continue to give until it stops hurting. I think most of us do the first part, we give until it hurts…but then we stop. We get scared. We are afraid to continue giving because we are afraid of losing ourselves entirely. If we lose ourselves, then, what remains? But, maybe…just maybe…we will find that if we lose what we see as our self…we will find something even better than that self…wholeness, liberation, understanding. I HAVE NO IDEA about any of it! I think it will take me a lifetime to grasp, if that. I hope that I am blessed with enough days on Earth to seek it out…to at least get close. I hope the same for you.

Coconuts!

It hit me like a million coconuts last night. I had no idea what the heck I was doing when I started this endeavor. As I review the story I put down, I realize it is not quite the story I had hoped for. Far from it, in fact. I didn't want to see it as I was writing, but there is no escaping it now. I let the story get away from me. I rushed the process and I skipped corners (somewhat unconsciously) to get something "done" by my 30th birthday. Now, though, I am faced with a question. Will I be satisfied by just having "something" done by the deadline I had originally set even if it is not a "30-worthy something?" I think the answer, for me, is no. Certainly not.

And sooo...the announcement. I have changed my deadline -- a six month extension. Now, the goal for me is to get the story I REALLY want...in the format of my choosing..down on paper by the end of July 2011. It is a little disappointing to me. But, this is life. Life NEVER goes as planned and if it did....would it be any fun? Would we ever grow, would we ever learn? So, yes. It is a little disappointing, but at the same time...I am learning soooo much. Not just about what it takes to write a real story either. I am learning about me -- my strengths, my limitations, my fears, my dreams, my values.

I want to learn more, though. I am not the world. I want to learn about the world and the people in it. To take the time to be an astute observer and appreciate the various operating systems at work. There is so much to learn...isn't that fantastic? I hope I never get to the point where I can say I have learned it all for that would only mean that I gave up. I do not want to give up.

Happy Endings

It's been a little over a week since my last post. I went on vacation with my family and had a wonderful time, but we were all just so glad to be back. While we were there, I kept thinking about some of the feedback I have received from some of the people I am consulting with about the book. None of the feedback was negative...actually it was very constructive and much appreciated. I am still waiting to hear back from a few others and am looking forward to hearing their comments as well. Out of the points that were discussed and mentioned, was the need to evaluate whether or not a happy ending is necessary and effective. There are two sides to it really. One side holds that happy endings are out of touch with what really happens in the world. People want a story that they can connect to, that they can relate to. How many people can connect to a happy ending, especially in times like these? Also part of this is the understanding that some people actually enjoy turmoil, they like things to be left undone. Why else do people watch shows like Maury Pauvich, Jerry Springer, Real Housewives, etc. They have drama and people looooove it. Maybe it is because they like to feel like other people in the world are more messed up than they are...it's comforting....or maybe it's just entertaining to see something that you don't normally get to see in your life.

On the other side, there are people....people like me...who happen to love happy endings. I love when everything comes together, when there is a ray of hope left at the end of a story of brokenness. I'm always hoping for the two lovers in distress to stay together, for the underdog to win the big fight, etc, etc. Why? Because the world is full of so much unhappiness. There are so many times when things do not work out and seeing movies with happy endings makes you want to still keep hope alive. Without hope that things can work out or can get better, life is so dreary! Who wants that?

Both sides of the issue are valid, I think. What matters in context of me and the book is which route would be most appropriate and EFFECTIVE for what I want to accomplish. This question and several other issues I have with the way the book is right now are what I am going to be working on figuring out in the next couple weeks.

Another HUGE question that was posed to me was whether or not the audience I am aiming for can be reached through a book format. It is true, not many teenagers enjoy reading....and ones who have difficulties, like the ones in my book, enjoy reading even less. So, if I want to get a message to them....is a book going to do it? This is something that I thought about before, actually. Which is why I was going to make it an audiobook as well as a regular book, but I have been thinking more and more about it and it makes sense to present the story to these kids in a way that is more visual. So, now, I am thinking that maybe the book should not be a book. Maybe it should be a show or a movie or something. I have sooooo much to think about.

So, where I am right now is kind of back at square one. I know there are some major changes to the story that I want to make. I know that I have to decide on a better format (other than a book). So, can I still make my deadline...to get something done by my 30th birthday party? How much of my plans need to change to fit a new direction? It's kind of all up the air right now. I want to still keep the deadline though. Someone once told me that "without deadlines, we are dead," and it has stuck with me. It will be a challenge, but I am hopeful that I can get it done and make it even better and more effective than before. In other words, I still believe there will be a happy ending :)

Fear is Magnetic

The other day I had the pleasure of celebrating my son's birthday with some of my family members at Disneyland. While we were there, one of those family members was being encouraged....ok, maybe prodded and bribed is more accurate... to get on a ride she was afraid to get on. We tried everything...we made appeals to her pride, we offered a special gift, we offered money, we even offered logic...but, none of these offerings were enough to spur on the courage required of her to face her fear. It made me laugh. Not at her, but at fear itself. It is ironic just how powerful fear can be, yet it is only powerful because we, ourselves, have given it power. We feed it energy. We feed it and it's force grows stronger and stronger, magnetically pulling more fears unto itself. Our fears, then, are multiplied. We said no to facing our fear of the roller coaster...then, later down the line, we say no to going after the person we love, traveling to the far-off places we want to see, or no to facing the challenges standing in the way of the life we want. We wall ourselves into a small existence.

It helps to see down the line. To see how giving in to fear on a small thing (with little risk) can open the door to a habit of fear. So much so, that the habit can even be passed down to your offspring. There are entire families whose members have all suffered the same types of phobias and anxieties because of some ancient ancestor's refusal to stand up to fear....I just know it. Why does it get passed down through so many generations without someone ever stopping it? I think it is because no one ever believed they could stop it. They did not believe they, themselves, had the ability to stop the reign of fear in their lives. How could they believe that? They were not even aware that they were the ones who let fear take over in the first place! I always say it to myself...awareness is the best gift you could ever give yourself. I really and truly believe that. If we are aware of where the fear is coming from, we will, then, become aware of the means to terminate it.

In my past life (when I was younger, that is), I was afraid of everything. I gave into fear almost all the time. Finally, the fear swallowed me up whole and I disappeared for a while. When my son was born, though, I reappeared. I thought long and hard about my addiction to fear and how it might be passed on to him if I didn't do something about it. I didn't want that for him. I didn't want him to learn the habit of fear. It is a daily struggle to break the habit. Just like with any other addiction, you have to take it day by day and every moment is a temptation. Struggle is not fun. It's not easy. But, when I get weary of the struggle, I remind myself of my son and the life I want him to have...one not shrunken by fear. And so, as exhausting as it may be sometimes...I am working to develop the habit of forcing myself to say "no" to fear. Some days I am victorious, other days not so much...I think the important thing, though, is to never give up the struggle.

He shines his little light

In a few days, my son will be turning three. Although there are no words in this world that quite capture what I think about and feel for my son, I can say this:

I love my son. He is the most precious thing on this earth to me. The other day, he fell asleep in my arms just like he used to when he was a little baby. I just looked down at that beautiful, round face and was thankful for that moment. There will only be a few more of those moments before he gets to be too big and doesn’t want to be comforted in my arms like a baby. That brings a bit of sadness, but also it makes me cherish these very priceless moments. I wonder if he will grow up and know just how much I really love him, how much I want to give him a good life, how hard his mommy (and daddy) tried to give him as many precious and meaningful experiences as possible. I just want good things for him--for him to have everything and still be thankful and kind-hearted. He is a glorious soul, filled with so much innate wisdom, understanding, tenderness, and joy. May he never lose that joy, that bright spirit that lights up the world. This world can bring sorrow, can bring pain, and fear, I pray it never touches him. But if it does, I pray he has been given something by God and us to keep him strong and to help his heart to remain light. Thank you, thank you for this gift, this wonderful gift of being able to feel this much love and want these things for someone other than myself. I’m blessed. We’re blessed, baby son, to have you and feel the warmth you bring to a sometimes cold and lonely world.

This is a lullaby song for my son who, when he was born, came out with two of the biggest feet you'll ever see on a newborn!!:):

When you came into this world, all that I could see
Was a head full of hair, and two big, little feet
They were just like your daddy's, so strong and so wide
And as I watched him hold you, I smiled as I cried
And I said,

Where will those feet take you son, where will those feet go
Will they take you somewhere grand, I surely do hope so
I hope that they will guide you to follow your dreams
And if you should stumble, somewhere down that street
I know you'll always land back on, those two big, little feet

He's got a million dollar smile and his little curls
He loves his Michael Jackson, dinosaurs, and girls
He's getting so big now that it's hard to believe
That I once held in one hand, those two big, little feet
And I still say,

Where will those feet take you son, where will those feet go
Will they take you somewhere grand, I surely do hope so
I hope that they will guide you to follow your dreams
And if you should stumble somewhere down that street
I know you'll always stand back on those two big, little feet

I love you papas!

A Conversation with Vanessa

Well, I have been reading some of the other blogs out there and they are very entertaining and SHORT!!! I guess I don't really know what the heck I'm doing with this blogging business! :) It makes me wonder if I am too serious....it is very difficult for me to not be so, seeing as though I have always suffered from a slight case of melancholy. Anyway, this blog post is inspired by a conversation I had with a homeless, young woman that I met at the Farmer's Market the other day. We were talking and as we were talking, I had a very strange feeling. Her thought pattern was very broken and sporadic...as though she were crazy. But, the weird thing is...it felt as though she was doing that on purpose...like she wanted me to think she was crazy so that I would feel sorry for her and give her the things I, at first, thought she was trying to get out of me (a car ride and a place to sleep). After talking to her for quite some time, though, I found out she did, in fact, have somewhere to sleep if she needed it, and had a bus pass for the day. I finally told her, "So, you are homeless right now, because you choose to be" and she came clean and said, "Yeah, I guess." I am not sharing this to say ALL people who are homeless choose it...please don't get it twisted. For now, I want to address the feeling I had. The whole time I was there with her, I knew she just wanted to talk. She wanted someone to sit down and have a little chat with her..she was bored. I could feel that she did not feel sorry for herself and so, I did not feel sorry for her either. So, we chatted, we exchanged names and tiny bits of superficial information, and then I said good-bye. It was a very unique interaction that made me think about gut feelings and emotions and so goes my post....

I have always been a "feeler," that is, someone who feels their way through life. They wear their hearts on their sleeves (and faces) for all to see. Another characteristic of a feeler is they are strongly affected by the feelings of others. If someone next to them has been injured, they feel as though they, too, have been injured. If someone is crying, they cry. If someone is happy, they are happy for them. It is as though no true barrier exists between them and the rest of the world. Thus, a varying array of emotions flows freely into them from every possible source and back out of them again. This is why I cannot watch those internet videos where some idiot tries to jump off a roof and ends up with their face skidding across the jagged pavement without closing my eyes at the point of impact! This is why I cannot watch horror flicks...the terror on the actors' faces feels too real, too close. It is also why I simply cannot bear to see someone I love in any emotional or physical pain! As you might imagine, being this type of person can lead to emotional exhaustion....periods where your "feeler-self" shuts down completely, and you don't feel anything for a while...you are numb. Then, time passes, and voila...it's back to business as usual.

It is both a blessing and a curse to be this way...at least I think so. For it allows me a closer glimpse into other people's lives...a deeper connection. But, at the same time, as mentioned before, it can overwhelm the senses and make me appear as though I am somewhat....well, manic. I do not know if it is a futile pursuit, but I have been trying for the last year or so to see if I can change the way I operate...that is, to see if there is a way to create an internal switch where I can turn my feeler-self on when it is needed and beneficial (to both myself and others) and off when it is not. Is it possible? Should I even be attempting to do this? I really do think it is necessary, for I have seen more bad than good comes from living a life driven by emotion. Wavering motivation, inconsistent interactions, distorted perspective on reality are just a few of the negative by-products of this way of life...not good. I imagine a person who has an on/off switch can get the best of both worlds....they can live in reality -- see things as they truly are (their vision not being muddled by emotion) and they can still be connected to others deeply when necessary. Does any of this make sense? I will chew on it some more....

Nobody Cares...

It has been my suspicion for quite some time. People have even told me plainly and simply. I did not want to believe them, though. I did not want to believe myself even. But, I cannot deny it any longer. As much as it pains me to say, I must say it...NOBODY REALLY CARES! Everybody is out for themselves. When it comes down to them or you, they will choose themselves EVERY TIME. Before you get the wrong impression, however, and take this post as merely a self-indulgent pity party or the ramblings of a jaded skeptic, let me explain my declaration.

As civilized and progressive as we human beings want to believe ourselves to be, we cannot walk away from the core of who we are...our base selves. Underneath every act and every word is the motivation of self preservation. I wanted so badly to believe in altruism...that it truly does exist, but I have yet to find evidence of it. I think about people who do heroic things like putting themselves in harm's way to save another. At first thought, it really does seem like that could be the piece I've been looking for. But, then I think why did the person really do that? Was it because he wanted himself to die in place of the person he saved? No, I do not think so. Most heroes who have been interviewed will give some kind of response like..."it was the right thing to do" or "I didn't really think about it at the time." I think these kinds of acts, then, are still done for the preservation of self. The hero probably could not have lived with himself, with the guilt he may have felt, if he did not act to save the person he witnessed to be in danger. Thus, his action still leads back to what benefited him, his mental health. Or there is some moral code that he lives by, that is so ingrained that if he were to act in contrast to that code, again...he could not live with the guilt of having not acted in accordance with the code he is so attached to.

Even with religion...I think about my upbringing and the "golden rule." We all know it don't we? "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." But, why? Is this a selfless thing? No. The obeying of religious commands, decrees...the practices do not evade self preservation either. If you really think about it, you will see. People follow these...SO THAT they will not end up in hell or SO THAT they might "store up treasures in heaven." They get something that benefits them in return.

What about the "self-sacrificing" love for your kids or your spouse? True, we do make sacrifices for our family. We put a whole lot of what we want to the side in order to care for them and meet their needs. But, is that out of altruism? At the heart of the matter...if we are honest with ourselves...we put some of our lower needs aside only to meet the higher needs we have for companionship, love, security. So, even these come back to the preservation of self.

Now, it all sounds ugly right? It all sounds bad right? But, is it really either of those? I do not really know yet. Right now, I don't think I can speak of this in terms of good or bad. It just is...at least that's how I see it. But, it can lead to beneficial and not so beneficial consequences. For example, when we lie to someone we love and hurt them. We do so to preserve ourselves or to preserve the image we want others to have of us. So, it partly benefits us, but it in the end it does not because it hurts someone we love, someone close to us and that often results in a broken relationship that we highly benefited from to begin with. But, what about when we lie to our boss? We call in sick when we want to go on a family outing...or we want to take a day off for our birthdays? In this scenario, the acting out of self preservation is highly beneficial to you and it is not likely going to hurt your employer. People know this and they do it allll the time (even religious people). Why is this acceptable and the other case not? Because the benefit to non-benefit ratio is higher. It is still lying, though. So, you see....very difficult to speak in terms of good and bad, much easier to make sense of in terms of how beneficial it may be.

Why did I feel the need to write this stuff down? Because I wanted to and this is my blog and I want people to see how "deep" I am and how much I think about life!!!! HA! No...really, that is really why. Actually, these are thoughts that are borrowed from conversations with other people and from similar ideas in books I have read. I chewed on them and have, now, ingested them and have found that they sit well with me...that is, they make sense to me and so I have subscribed to these ideas as though they were my own (isn't that how we all get our thoughts?? from someone or something else that has touched them first?). Also, I have found it BENEFICIAL for me to write out my thoughts so that I can observe them more closely and so that others can challenge them or question them to help me get closer and closer to an accurate perspective on life and everything inside of it.

I also wrote this because I keep thinking about my motivation for writing, publishing, sharing my book. Is it because I want to motivate young people to be contributors and not merely consumers?...yes. But, underneath that is the fact that I just like writing. I enjoy it. Also, I want very badly to leave something in writing behind before I die...so, that maybe, just maybe....I will not be completely forgotten and so that the cause that I have come to love and be connected to might not be forgotten either. You see? SELF-PRESERVATION!!!

Now, it is very possible that I am wrong...heck, I'm not even 30 yet (five more months to go:) ). I did not even start thinking about this stuff until the last couple of years. So, indeed, I may very well be wrong...but, this is where my observations and thoughts have taken me thus far. Don't hate me for it. It would not be beneficial for you...for hate only begets hate and it trumps understanding and without understanding there is no chance for love and without love....where would we be????

Baby Blues

I realized something today. I've got a slight case of the baby blues. Any woman who has ever had a baby knows exactly what I am talking about. I feel similar to how I did during the first couple of weeks after having my son. See, I have just given "birth" to my book. Now, we are not one, but are two separate individuals. As such, it has left an empty space in my womb and is no longer connected to me. I cannot feel it swirling around and kicking inside of me. All the excitement and desire that I felt before this "baby" came has now turned to dread over whether or not I am ready to handle such a great responsibility. That is, am I ready to do the work. Late nights, busy days...trying to figure out how in the world I am going to help this fragile being make it in this world and knowing that I will be the one responsible for it's successes and failures. Such a great responsibility....so many opportunities to mess up! But, I am hopeful that the same things that got me past those initial blue days after my son's birth will get me through these days as well. These are: the love and encouragement of people close to me, the joy that magically comes from days spent living for someone other than myself, and the realization that everyone else is in the same boat. This is not something new. Thousands and thousands of years have past and are full of the history of people who have gone through the same thing....even people who were less prepared than I. Many people have attempted to write something that mattered to someone, hoping to add just a little pinch of salt to someone's life. So, I am not in this alone and that fact is very comforting.

Where I am right now:

I am going to finally be allowing some of the people I trust to read the book and will take any of their notes, critiques, comments and use them to make adjustments or improvements. This is the scariest part by far!!! It is always harder to share your work with people you know and love. Their words carry so much more weight than those of a stranger and, thus, the potential for getting emotionally injured is much higher. But, if I am seeking for honesty...I must seek it in full, not in part. For what good would it be to me (or anyone else) if I shared my book, first, with someone who might lie to me and tell me all the things I want to hear rather than the things I NEED to hear. No, it is better to take the risk and see things as they are, not as I hope them to be. So....that is what I will do, frightening though it may be!!! I'll let you know how I come out of it.

Listen to the Trees...

I have just returned from an enchanted weekend spent in the company of an immense forest of wise evergreens. From the moment we reached the foot of the mountain, throughout our four-day retreat, and all the way back down again, I was greeted by the gentle lulling of the wind blowing through their pointed leaves. They used their flighty companion, the wind, to send down a message. It gently touched against my cheek and blew past each ear. Though there were numerous distractions that beckoned my attention, I could not tune out their poignant words. What was it? What was the message that they whispered down to me? It was a truth. One that chills to the bone and at the same time heightens one’s senses.

It was the truth that one day, I, like every other being that has breath, will perish and become part of the earth under their rooted feet. It was the inescapable truth that I am a mortal being. One need only to look at the grandeur and the sheer size of these pine-scented sages to see what a small, piece of the puzzle we are in this mystery called the universe. Is this something new? Of course not. It is the same message they have been speaking from the beginning of time. But, we forget. We spend our days running at a dizzying pace, filling the atmosphere around us with noise to drown their voice out. We avoid silence. We avoid stillness. We FEAR them. Why?

Because we know what they will say. We know that we will be reminded of our mortality and that is not agreeable to us. But, why should we fear it? Do the trees speak to us as though to taunt…like an older sibling does his brother when he gains permission to do something his younger brother cannot? No. Their voice is not one that taunts. It is not one that jeers. It is one that soothes. If you pay attention closely, you will hear it. In the rustling of their needles, you will hear the distinct sound of empathy. And if you train your ear with the greatest degree of excellence, you may even hear the sound of thankfulness. They are thankful to us, for everything is tied together. One thing does not exist without the other. Those tall, peaceful beings owe their height, in part, to us for they would not have the soil around their roots to nourish their growth if our bodies did not disintegrate into the dirt. And in their thankfulness, they, in turn, provide for us clean air, cool shade, and sober thoughts. So, rather than be afraid—rather than try to drown out their voice, maybe we should, instead, look to them and say…"Thank You" AND "You’re Welcome”.

51, 544 words later....

Well, folks. I would like to announce that I have FINALLY finished my first draft!!! It is 3:10am, my fingers and hands are cramped, my eyes are blurry from staring at the computer screen, and my husband is lying in our bed...alone -- but, I'm done. Well, kind of. There are a few tweaks here and there, some combing through, revisions, rewrites, etc., etc., but...at least the meat is cooked. I am too tired to really feel like I accomplished something tonight...right now, I'm more relieved...but, maybe after some rest I will feel it...we shall see.

"What are you going to do now?," you may ask. My answer is, "I'm going to Disneyland!" Ha ha. No, really...I AM going to Disneyland. I decided that to celebrate the completion of this first draft, I will spend the day with my son at the place where we BOTH enjoy being so much. I'm looking forward to it. Thank you everyone who has commented to me in person for cheering for me. Please keep the cheering going as this is only the beginning of a long process. Love to you all. I must stop typing now before my hands fall off.

Wait...side note: I don't know how my husband does this EVERY day (for the past 5 years or so!). What an inspiration!

Life After Motherhood

This is for all the mommies out there! I had some things on my mind this morning and thought I'd post a little on that. I have been thinking about GOALS a lot lately. There are things I want to do, to accomplish in my life that aren't necessarily related to me being a mommy. I mean, it is true, I am a mommy....but that is not the all in all of who I am or what defines me. Before I was a mommy, I was a Monica...and I still am a Monica. So, my purpose or goals for my life should naturally extend beyond just how great of a mommy I want to be. More than that, I want to be a great, well-rounded PERSON who GIVES/CONTRIBUTES to something outside of myself and leaves a legacy that inspires people. That is one of my ultimate goals and there are countless others (traveling across Europe, starting my own learning center, learning to ballroom dance, completing a marathon, taking a foodie tour of America, etc., etc.)

Many times, I find myself struggling to not feel guilty about having a life outside of being a mommy and devoting time to those goals. Like the past couple of days, for example, I've been spending so much time with my son that it actually feels wrong to even think about stealing time away for myself to blog, to write (or is that an excuse...oops!). But, something someone once told me has stuck with me. She said, "What better thing could we do for our children and our husbands than to lead a productive, successful life -- to be a model of how to do that for our children?" Everyone has their own definition of what a productive, successful life means, what it looks like. Even our own definitions change from year to year, maybe even day to day. Some people have visions of changing the world, others aim to devote and invest time in their immediate sphere of influence (family, friends, neighbors). Are either of these greater or lesser? No, at least I do not think so. The thing is this.... what makes us happy, what drives us, what is our purpose? Do we have goals that are centered around that purpose so that we are always moving forward, getting better, improving, growing? Without goals or a purpose, we stay in one spot all of our lives...and I really do not think that is how life is meant to be lived.

So, time for some audience participation. My questions to you are: 1) What are your thoughts on guilt and finding balance between being a mom and being a person (for the ladies, although men might have good insight--they can surprise you from time to time)? 2) Do you have goals outside of motherhood and if so, 3) Would you be willing to share some of those by commenting? I thought it might be good to put down one goal you want to accomplish for this week, one goal for the next couple of months, and one goal for the year. To break the ice...I'll go first :)

A side note: In my teacher training I learned that its important to AIM HIGH with your goals. Basically, you will only go as far as you reach for, so might as well AIM HIGH:)

This week: To get at least 5 intense workouts/runs in by next Wed.

This month: To finish writing my book (two chapters left!!!!)

This year: To have completed my book and published it (as an audiobook, electronically, and as a hard copy), begun a full-fledged marketing campaign, and have had a "release party" on or by my 30th birthday.

Get'ur done? Get'ur done right? ...is there such a thing as right?

In writing this novel (or is it a novelette?), there have been a few questions that have come up in my mind that I have discovered don't really matter. First, how long should the book be? I was very concerned at the beginning of this project about what is an acceptable length for the book. I researched other books that were written for the same audience, I consulted with other people who I know have written their own books, and I read a few articles by established writers in writing magazines. The general consensus is...there is no consensus. It doesn't matter how long the book is...what DOES matter is whether or not the story is complete and believable.

If I can tell my story and get my message across in less than 200 pages...then, that is that. There is no need to add "fluff" simply to make the book fatter. It is a waste and, especially with a younger audience, I think it is most important for me to be straightforward and as concise as I can be. Also, I have found it extremely important for the pieces of the novel to be believable---they have to fit together nicely. For example, the other day I finished the last few pages of a chapter in the middle of the day when I was half way falling asleep (yes, I'm a grown woman who needs naps and I'm not ashamed!). After falling asleep all the way and then waking up, I went back over what I had just written and realized it was CRAP!!! There was something about it that just didn't fit...I didn't believe it and if I don't believe my own stuff...it is certain no one else will. So, as painful as it was for me to completely scrap a few pages and start over, it was something I had to do. I realize, too, that the pain I felt then is only beginning. This is the FIRST DRAFT. There are probably many more pieces I'm going to have to scrap (even pieces that I'm really in love with) and rewrite as I comb through it as a whole and have others do the same. I guess that is just the inevitable part of the process :(.

That brings me to another question that, to me, doesn't matter. How many drafts do you need to do? WHO KNOWS?? It could be one, three, even twenty or more. I've heard of famous writers who had to rewrite their stuff over fifty times. Why? Probably mostly because someone made them (an editor, agent, etc.). Also, probably because, with writing, there is always room for improvement. There is always a better word choice, a more detailed description, a more intriguing plot point, or a way to make your characters even more engaging and real. Which makes me wonder....if it could always be better, how do you know when to stop yourself from making improvements and just get the darn thing done? I wonder how many great writers are out there that we will never know of because they've gotten swallowed up by the process of writing and, thus, will never produce a finished product? And what about the writers who do finish a piece of work, but do so knowing it is not the best they could have produced? Which position is better? Or are they the same?

These are questions that have been popping up as I go through the process of getting this novel out. I've got about three more chapters left and I cannot wait to be done. However, I also know that when I'm "done", I'm not really going to be done! Why am I doing this again??? Oh yeah. That's right. Rather than make myself crazy with thinking about all the things that must be done...all the hoops that have yet to be jumped through...I have to make sure I keep the PURPOSE at the forefront of my mind. Without that, I will most definitely be in danger of losing hope and vision in the face of the daunting obstacles that are likely awaiting me just around the corner.

A visit from the doubt fairy

Well, folks. Today I had an unwelcomed visit from the doubt fairy. She (of course it had to be a woman) comes to visit me every now and then and especially likes to come on by when the shoelaces of my life are undone and I'm having a difficult time trying to tie them back together. Furthermore, when she shows up, she always tries to dominate the conversation. For example, "You're not a writer, why are you trying to do this? You don't know the first thing about the 'rules of writing'. No one is going to care about your story. No one is going to publish your story. You suck." Yeah, I guess you could say she is not the most polite guest. But, being the gracious host that I am, I LET her talk. I hear her out as if I have no choice but to stick around and listen to her jabber on while she sits on my couch and puts her feet up on the coffee table. Then, after a while, I realize that I was the one who let her into my house and I am the only one who can kick her out. So, that's what I decided to do...hard as it was for me, seeing as though I never want to offend anybody. How did I break the news to her, you ask? Well, I simply told her the following:

"Mrs. DoubtFairy, I am in complete agreement with you. I am not a writer. I am a person who wants to share a message that will ignite a fire of confidence and hope in the hearts of kids who have been told all their lives that they are nothing--that they have nothing to give the world. And, no...I DO NOT know the 'rules of writing', but I am learning as I go and will, no doubt, learn them better doing this than I would from some formal training or guidebook. As for no one caring about my story or publishing it, that is a definite possibility. In fact, the odds are highly stacked against me. Nevertheless, that does not change the fact that it is a story that I feel compelled to write and to, at least, make a wholehearted attempt at sharing it with those for whom it is intended. I could fail, they could miss the message, it could go nowhere. But, those are risks I am willing and ready to take and so, if you would, please, kindly take your fairy dust and SHOVE IT!"

Well, as you might imagine, she did not take what I had to say very well and so...we parted on bad terms. It is not likely that she will be returning any time soon, but being the unpredictable minx that she is, it is probably best that I be on guard in case she does dare to drop by once more. You might want to do the same, for she is relentless in her pursuit of comfortable couches where she can rest her wings and babble. I would describe her to you, but it would be in vain, as she is a shape shifter and appears to everyone in a different form. However, you will know her when she opens her mouth and begins to speak and when she does, you know what to do :)

Dreams

For some strange reason, I have been very nostalgic lately. Maybe it is because I have just recently undergone a drastic life change. Maybe, when everything around you seems so new, it can be overwhelming and you look to your past to provide some kind of buffer, familiarity, or connection. Like tonight. I keep hearing this poem by Langston Hughes in my head that my elementary music teacher, Ms. Adams, turned into a song when I was in first grade. It is:

Hold fast to dreams for when dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly
Hold fast to dreams for when dreams go, life is a barren field frozen with snow

It is amazing what sticks with you over the years. It has been over 20 years since I learned this, and I NEVER forgot it. Why did this poem/song stay with me for so long? I've read so many poems, learned so many songs--why did this one find a permanent resting place in my mind? I think it is because it is so simple, yet it is so tragically beautiful. I say tragically beautiful because I distinctly remember that the first time I heard these words, as a young child, I felt a strange mix of emotions. I was hopeful yet sad all at once. To me, it seemed as though the person who wrote this had experienced what life without dreams (or with a dead dream) was like and was pleading to us young children (who were just starting out) to not let the same thing happen to us. It made me think about MY life and how I had a chance, still, to hold on to my dreams.

Now that I am an adult, this poem continues to conjure up those same feelings. There are dreams that, for one reason or another, I had that have died or have gone away from me. Some of them I forgot, some I grew out, some I let slip away from me, and others I purposely killed. However, the dreams that were laid to rest are continually being renewed, revived, repurposed, or replaced. That, to me, is the beauty of dreams and why I am so thankful that we have the ability to have them in the first place. What a wonderful thing---to dream! Even more wonderful than that, though, is the ability to make dreams manifest into reality. Isn't that completely and wonderfully mind-blowing?! Sometimes I take for granted just how incredible it is that we can take something--an idea, a thought--and turn it into a REAL living, breathing thing. It is almost as awe-inspiring as the process of creating and maintaining life, itself!

Dreams can be your best companion. Sometimes, they can even be your only companion. So, to rephrase Mr. Hughes' plea...even if a few of your dreams may have gotten away from you...NEVER stop dreaming!

No excuses

There is a song in Spanish that I remember pieces of from when I was a little girl. It went something like, "Escusas, escusas, se hoyen cada dia." For my English-only speaking peeps, that translates to, "Excuses, excuses, you hear them everyday." I think the reason this song has stuck with me all these years is because, even as a young girl, coming up with excuses was as natural as breathing for me. It must be in my DNA or something...SEE! there's another excuse that just crept up on me right now as I am writing this! It is amazing to me how easy they come, I don't even know I'm doing it sometimes. Excuses seem innocuous, but when they become a way of life they can get in the way of life. I have, indeed, let excuses delay the undertaking of my mission as well as impede my drive to move forward and improve. Somewhere along the line, I came to believe that excuses were REAL obstacles...ones that were nearly, if not entirely, impossible to overcome. Examples:

1. I didn't get enough sleep, so I can snap at people and completely disrespect and dismiss them.
2. I am hungry, so I can act like a two year old and throw a fit -- pouting, stomping my feet, the whole nine.
3. I am not feeling inspired, so I cannot finish that chapter I was working on.
4. Its hot as hell out there, so I cannot do my workout today.

Again, some of these might seem reasonable or benign, but its not so much the excuse itself that is dangerous as it is the mindset from which they come. They are born out of the belief that we are not 100% in control of our actions or thoughts 100% of the time and, thus, we cannot be held responsible or accountable for 100% of what we say and do. That is the danger!!! This manner of thinking is shared by serial killers and Presidents who "have no choice" but to bomb a building where innocent children are playing. "Aww, you're taking it to the extreme," you say. Well, yes, I am. What does it matter,though, if the point I am trying to make is that the everyday excuses we make and the BIG, HUGE, LIFE-DAMAGING ones are merely degrees of the same thing.

The truth is, excuses keep us back. We tell ourselves, we're not good enough, we're not smart enough, we're too young, we're too old, etc. etc. and it keeps us from going after what we really want in life. There are some people (extremely successful and content people), though, that don't let excuses stand in their way. No matter what, they know what they want for themselves, for their lives and they don't let doubts or excuses get in their way. I have been blessed to spend enough time with some of these people that some of their "No Excuses" attitude has started to rub off on me. Really. Attitudes are contagious, lifestyles are contagious--productive and nonproductive ones alike. So, I have been trying to modify or transform my thought patterns and learn how to not let excuses stop my movement. It is a very difficult thing for me. As difficult as it is to let go of excuses, though, I have determined to do it because it is no longer acceptable nor is it beneficial for me to hold onto them.

So, recently, I have been dealing with some "hormonal imbalances". Its more difficult to be focused on the positive during these times, but I MUST intensify my efforts to remain focused on what pulls me forward rather than what pulls me back. Negative energy is like a black hole, it tries to grab hold of anything that gets close to it and suck it down. I don’t want to be a black hole. I will not be a black hole, but a ray of light – good thoughts, good energy, a force for good. It is a CHOICE. Regardless of whatever hormonal craziness might be going on inside, it is STILL a choice. I have to remind myself of that all the time! Whatever my condition, whatever the circumstances, I still have the ability to control my actions and words and others still have the right to hold me completely responsible for both. My advice to my fellow "excuse addicts" (or should I say, RECOVERING excuse addicts), then, is this...Don’t forget your purpose. Don't forget what you have determined to be or to do. FOCUS ON THAT!!! and remind yourself every time you catch yourself letting the excuses find their way into your thoughts that you will not fulfill your purpose if you let the excuses remain there.

In the Beginning...

As this is my first real attempt at blogging, let me begin by saying that I am a little frightened. It is a bit scary, especially for an introvert such as myself, to take the most intimate part of me (my thoughts) and put it out here for the rest of the world to see. However, as terrifying as it may be, it has become something that I feel compelled to do. I have lived a nice, comfortable, self-gratifying life for 29 years now. Lately, though, there has been something creeping its way into my thoughts and causing me to dare to step outside myself and that is.....death. Although it is an easy concept to understand, that everyday we live brings us that much closer to death, it is one that has taken me this long to really feel and connect to. Having many of my loved ones, friends, and heroes die within the last year or two has made it hit home to me, that I will not be here forever. Giving birth to and raising my son, also, has prompted thoughts of what will happen after I am gone, what kind of world will he grow up in? I guess, if you were Erikson, you could say I have hit the Generativity vs. Stagnation stage of life where one either chooses to care for and contribute to the generations to follow or to become stagnate, meaning there is a lack of movement or growth in their life that leads to disappointment and a sense of being unfulfilled. I certainly have the desire for the former rather than the latter. There is that drive for self-actualization that Maslow spoke of, to become more and more who I am. My interpretation of this is -- it is the alignment of my actions, words--my outward life--with who I know I am on the inside.

Now that you have a little taste of where, in life, I am coming from, let me get to the heart of the matter--the purpose for me beginning this blog. As our days here are small, so is our window of opportunity to touch the world and contribute something of worth to it. I will be 30 in exactly six months from today. Thirty is a number of great significance to some. In the Bible, it is the number of divine perfection or order. It is the age where David began his reign, where Ezekiel began to prophecy, the age Joseph was when he left prison to govern Egypt, the height of Noah's Ark in cubits, and where Jesus, himself, began his mission in life. Thirty also has a general significance in that most ancient peoples had months of 30 days and the distance of the Earth to the Moon is thirty times the diameter of the Earth. All that said, my desire is to create and contribute something or "somethings" that are 30-worthy.

This blog, for me, then, will serve as an open journal as I begin MY mission in life, that is, to add something beautiful and of worth to the cosmos. My first step? Finishing my novel. I have always wanted to tell a story about something very close to my heart, that is, children who don't have anyone to believe in and champion them. I am nearly finished with the first draft and the goal is to have it completed and published by my 30th birthday on January 19, 2010. You could say this blog is my countdown to 30 AND to the completion of my book. I will be tracking my steps and will be using those who read this as my means of accountability and maintaining focus. Hope you don't mind being used....we all use each other in one way or another, right? I figured, if I just tell myself I will do it, it won't have as much power or force behind it as it would if I said it aloud and announced it to the WORLD.

So that is it. This is the beginning of my journey. Encouragement, criticisms, contributions are welcomed and I hope that if you haven't thought about what legacy YOU want to leave behind, that this will provide some kind of impetus towards the search of your own mission.