Get'ur done? Get'ur done right? ...is there such a thing as right?

In writing this novel (or is it a novelette?), there have been a few questions that have come up in my mind that I have discovered don't really matter. First, how long should the book be? I was very concerned at the beginning of this project about what is an acceptable length for the book. I researched other books that were written for the same audience, I consulted with other people who I know have written their own books, and I read a few articles by established writers in writing magazines. The general consensus is...there is no consensus. It doesn't matter how long the book is...what DOES matter is whether or not the story is complete and believable.

If I can tell my story and get my message across in less than 200 pages...then, that is that. There is no need to add "fluff" simply to make the book fatter. It is a waste and, especially with a younger audience, I think it is most important for me to be straightforward and as concise as I can be. Also, I have found it extremely important for the pieces of the novel to be believable---they have to fit together nicely. For example, the other day I finished the last few pages of a chapter in the middle of the day when I was half way falling asleep (yes, I'm a grown woman who needs naps and I'm not ashamed!). After falling asleep all the way and then waking up, I went back over what I had just written and realized it was CRAP!!! There was something about it that just didn't fit...I didn't believe it and if I don't believe my own stuff...it is certain no one else will. So, as painful as it was for me to completely scrap a few pages and start over, it was something I had to do. I realize, too, that the pain I felt then is only beginning. This is the FIRST DRAFT. There are probably many more pieces I'm going to have to scrap (even pieces that I'm really in love with) and rewrite as I comb through it as a whole and have others do the same. I guess that is just the inevitable part of the process :(.

That brings me to another question that, to me, doesn't matter. How many drafts do you need to do? WHO KNOWS?? It could be one, three, even twenty or more. I've heard of famous writers who had to rewrite their stuff over fifty times. Why? Probably mostly because someone made them (an editor, agent, etc.). Also, probably because, with writing, there is always room for improvement. There is always a better word choice, a more detailed description, a more intriguing plot point, or a way to make your characters even more engaging and real. Which makes me wonder....if it could always be better, how do you know when to stop yourself from making improvements and just get the darn thing done? I wonder how many great writers are out there that we will never know of because they've gotten swallowed up by the process of writing and, thus, will never produce a finished product? And what about the writers who do finish a piece of work, but do so knowing it is not the best they could have produced? Which position is better? Or are they the same?

These are questions that have been popping up as I go through the process of getting this novel out. I've got about three more chapters left and I cannot wait to be done. However, I also know that when I'm "done", I'm not really going to be done! Why am I doing this again??? Oh yeah. That's right. Rather than make myself crazy with thinking about all the things that must be done...all the hoops that have yet to be jumped through...I have to make sure I keep the PURPOSE at the forefront of my mind. Without that, I will most definitely be in danger of losing hope and vision in the face of the daunting obstacles that are likely awaiting me just around the corner.

A visit from the doubt fairy

Well, folks. Today I had an unwelcomed visit from the doubt fairy. She (of course it had to be a woman) comes to visit me every now and then and especially likes to come on by when the shoelaces of my life are undone and I'm having a difficult time trying to tie them back together. Furthermore, when she shows up, she always tries to dominate the conversation. For example, "You're not a writer, why are you trying to do this? You don't know the first thing about the 'rules of writing'. No one is going to care about your story. No one is going to publish your story. You suck." Yeah, I guess you could say she is not the most polite guest. But, being the gracious host that I am, I LET her talk. I hear her out as if I have no choice but to stick around and listen to her jabber on while she sits on my couch and puts her feet up on the coffee table. Then, after a while, I realize that I was the one who let her into my house and I am the only one who can kick her out. So, that's what I decided to do...hard as it was for me, seeing as though I never want to offend anybody. How did I break the news to her, you ask? Well, I simply told her the following:

"Mrs. DoubtFairy, I am in complete agreement with you. I am not a writer. I am a person who wants to share a message that will ignite a fire of confidence and hope in the hearts of kids who have been told all their lives that they are nothing--that they have nothing to give the world. And, no...I DO NOT know the 'rules of writing', but I am learning as I go and will, no doubt, learn them better doing this than I would from some formal training or guidebook. As for no one caring about my story or publishing it, that is a definite possibility. In fact, the odds are highly stacked against me. Nevertheless, that does not change the fact that it is a story that I feel compelled to write and to, at least, make a wholehearted attempt at sharing it with those for whom it is intended. I could fail, they could miss the message, it could go nowhere. But, those are risks I am willing and ready to take and so, if you would, please, kindly take your fairy dust and SHOVE IT!"

Well, as you might imagine, she did not take what I had to say very well and so...we parted on bad terms. It is not likely that she will be returning any time soon, but being the unpredictable minx that she is, it is probably best that I be on guard in case she does dare to drop by once more. You might want to do the same, for she is relentless in her pursuit of comfortable couches where she can rest her wings and babble. I would describe her to you, but it would be in vain, as she is a shape shifter and appears to everyone in a different form. However, you will know her when she opens her mouth and begins to speak and when she does, you know what to do :)

Dreams

For some strange reason, I have been very nostalgic lately. Maybe it is because I have just recently undergone a drastic life change. Maybe, when everything around you seems so new, it can be overwhelming and you look to your past to provide some kind of buffer, familiarity, or connection. Like tonight. I keep hearing this poem by Langston Hughes in my head that my elementary music teacher, Ms. Adams, turned into a song when I was in first grade. It is:

Hold fast to dreams for when dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly
Hold fast to dreams for when dreams go, life is a barren field frozen with snow

It is amazing what sticks with you over the years. It has been over 20 years since I learned this, and I NEVER forgot it. Why did this poem/song stay with me for so long? I've read so many poems, learned so many songs--why did this one find a permanent resting place in my mind? I think it is because it is so simple, yet it is so tragically beautiful. I say tragically beautiful because I distinctly remember that the first time I heard these words, as a young child, I felt a strange mix of emotions. I was hopeful yet sad all at once. To me, it seemed as though the person who wrote this had experienced what life without dreams (or with a dead dream) was like and was pleading to us young children (who were just starting out) to not let the same thing happen to us. It made me think about MY life and how I had a chance, still, to hold on to my dreams.

Now that I am an adult, this poem continues to conjure up those same feelings. There are dreams that, for one reason or another, I had that have died or have gone away from me. Some of them I forgot, some I grew out, some I let slip away from me, and others I purposely killed. However, the dreams that were laid to rest are continually being renewed, revived, repurposed, or replaced. That, to me, is the beauty of dreams and why I am so thankful that we have the ability to have them in the first place. What a wonderful thing---to dream! Even more wonderful than that, though, is the ability to make dreams manifest into reality. Isn't that completely and wonderfully mind-blowing?! Sometimes I take for granted just how incredible it is that we can take something--an idea, a thought--and turn it into a REAL living, breathing thing. It is almost as awe-inspiring as the process of creating and maintaining life, itself!

Dreams can be your best companion. Sometimes, they can even be your only companion. So, to rephrase Mr. Hughes' plea...even if a few of your dreams may have gotten away from you...NEVER stop dreaming!

No excuses

There is a song in Spanish that I remember pieces of from when I was a little girl. It went something like, "Escusas, escusas, se hoyen cada dia." For my English-only speaking peeps, that translates to, "Excuses, excuses, you hear them everyday." I think the reason this song has stuck with me all these years is because, even as a young girl, coming up with excuses was as natural as breathing for me. It must be in my DNA or something...SEE! there's another excuse that just crept up on me right now as I am writing this! It is amazing to me how easy they come, I don't even know I'm doing it sometimes. Excuses seem innocuous, but when they become a way of life they can get in the way of life. I have, indeed, let excuses delay the undertaking of my mission as well as impede my drive to move forward and improve. Somewhere along the line, I came to believe that excuses were REAL obstacles...ones that were nearly, if not entirely, impossible to overcome. Examples:

1. I didn't get enough sleep, so I can snap at people and completely disrespect and dismiss them.
2. I am hungry, so I can act like a two year old and throw a fit -- pouting, stomping my feet, the whole nine.
3. I am not feeling inspired, so I cannot finish that chapter I was working on.
4. Its hot as hell out there, so I cannot do my workout today.

Again, some of these might seem reasonable or benign, but its not so much the excuse itself that is dangerous as it is the mindset from which they come. They are born out of the belief that we are not 100% in control of our actions or thoughts 100% of the time and, thus, we cannot be held responsible or accountable for 100% of what we say and do. That is the danger!!! This manner of thinking is shared by serial killers and Presidents who "have no choice" but to bomb a building where innocent children are playing. "Aww, you're taking it to the extreme," you say. Well, yes, I am. What does it matter,though, if the point I am trying to make is that the everyday excuses we make and the BIG, HUGE, LIFE-DAMAGING ones are merely degrees of the same thing.

The truth is, excuses keep us back. We tell ourselves, we're not good enough, we're not smart enough, we're too young, we're too old, etc. etc. and it keeps us from going after what we really want in life. There are some people (extremely successful and content people), though, that don't let excuses stand in their way. No matter what, they know what they want for themselves, for their lives and they don't let doubts or excuses get in their way. I have been blessed to spend enough time with some of these people that some of their "No Excuses" attitude has started to rub off on me. Really. Attitudes are contagious, lifestyles are contagious--productive and nonproductive ones alike. So, I have been trying to modify or transform my thought patterns and learn how to not let excuses stop my movement. It is a very difficult thing for me. As difficult as it is to let go of excuses, though, I have determined to do it because it is no longer acceptable nor is it beneficial for me to hold onto them.

So, recently, I have been dealing with some "hormonal imbalances". Its more difficult to be focused on the positive during these times, but I MUST intensify my efforts to remain focused on what pulls me forward rather than what pulls me back. Negative energy is like a black hole, it tries to grab hold of anything that gets close to it and suck it down. I don’t want to be a black hole. I will not be a black hole, but a ray of light – good thoughts, good energy, a force for good. It is a CHOICE. Regardless of whatever hormonal craziness might be going on inside, it is STILL a choice. I have to remind myself of that all the time! Whatever my condition, whatever the circumstances, I still have the ability to control my actions and words and others still have the right to hold me completely responsible for both. My advice to my fellow "excuse addicts" (or should I say, RECOVERING excuse addicts), then, is this...Don’t forget your purpose. Don't forget what you have determined to be or to do. FOCUS ON THAT!!! and remind yourself every time you catch yourself letting the excuses find their way into your thoughts that you will not fulfill your purpose if you let the excuses remain there.

In the Beginning...

As this is my first real attempt at blogging, let me begin by saying that I am a little frightened. It is a bit scary, especially for an introvert such as myself, to take the most intimate part of me (my thoughts) and put it out here for the rest of the world to see. However, as terrifying as it may be, it has become something that I feel compelled to do. I have lived a nice, comfortable, self-gratifying life for 29 years now. Lately, though, there has been something creeping its way into my thoughts and causing me to dare to step outside myself and that is.....death. Although it is an easy concept to understand, that everyday we live brings us that much closer to death, it is one that has taken me this long to really feel and connect to. Having many of my loved ones, friends, and heroes die within the last year or two has made it hit home to me, that I will not be here forever. Giving birth to and raising my son, also, has prompted thoughts of what will happen after I am gone, what kind of world will he grow up in? I guess, if you were Erikson, you could say I have hit the Generativity vs. Stagnation stage of life where one either chooses to care for and contribute to the generations to follow or to become stagnate, meaning there is a lack of movement or growth in their life that leads to disappointment and a sense of being unfulfilled. I certainly have the desire for the former rather than the latter. There is that drive for self-actualization that Maslow spoke of, to become more and more who I am. My interpretation of this is -- it is the alignment of my actions, words--my outward life--with who I know I am on the inside.

Now that you have a little taste of where, in life, I am coming from, let me get to the heart of the matter--the purpose for me beginning this blog. As our days here are small, so is our window of opportunity to touch the world and contribute something of worth to it. I will be 30 in exactly six months from today. Thirty is a number of great significance to some. In the Bible, it is the number of divine perfection or order. It is the age where David began his reign, where Ezekiel began to prophecy, the age Joseph was when he left prison to govern Egypt, the height of Noah's Ark in cubits, and where Jesus, himself, began his mission in life. Thirty also has a general significance in that most ancient peoples had months of 30 days and the distance of the Earth to the Moon is thirty times the diameter of the Earth. All that said, my desire is to create and contribute something or "somethings" that are 30-worthy.

This blog, for me, then, will serve as an open journal as I begin MY mission in life, that is, to add something beautiful and of worth to the cosmos. My first step? Finishing my novel. I have always wanted to tell a story about something very close to my heart, that is, children who don't have anyone to believe in and champion them. I am nearly finished with the first draft and the goal is to have it completed and published by my 30th birthday on January 19, 2010. You could say this blog is my countdown to 30 AND to the completion of my book. I will be tracking my steps and will be using those who read this as my means of accountability and maintaining focus. Hope you don't mind being used....we all use each other in one way or another, right? I figured, if I just tell myself I will do it, it won't have as much power or force behind it as it would if I said it aloud and announced it to the WORLD.

So that is it. This is the beginning of my journey. Encouragement, criticisms, contributions are welcomed and I hope that if you haven't thought about what legacy YOU want to leave behind, that this will provide some kind of impetus towards the search of your own mission.