Happy Endings

It's been a little over a week since my last post. I went on vacation with my family and had a wonderful time, but we were all just so glad to be back. While we were there, I kept thinking about some of the feedback I have received from some of the people I am consulting with about the book. None of the feedback was negative...actually it was very constructive and much appreciated. I am still waiting to hear back from a few others and am looking forward to hearing their comments as well. Out of the points that were discussed and mentioned, was the need to evaluate whether or not a happy ending is necessary and effective. There are two sides to it really. One side holds that happy endings are out of touch with what really happens in the world. People want a story that they can connect to, that they can relate to. How many people can connect to a happy ending, especially in times like these? Also part of this is the understanding that some people actually enjoy turmoil, they like things to be left undone. Why else do people watch shows like Maury Pauvich, Jerry Springer, Real Housewives, etc. They have drama and people looooove it. Maybe it is because they like to feel like other people in the world are more messed up than they are...it's comforting....or maybe it's just entertaining to see something that you don't normally get to see in your life.

On the other side, there are people....people like me...who happen to love happy endings. I love when everything comes together, when there is a ray of hope left at the end of a story of brokenness. I'm always hoping for the two lovers in distress to stay together, for the underdog to win the big fight, etc, etc. Why? Because the world is full of so much unhappiness. There are so many times when things do not work out and seeing movies with happy endings makes you want to still keep hope alive. Without hope that things can work out or can get better, life is so dreary! Who wants that?

Both sides of the issue are valid, I think. What matters in context of me and the book is which route would be most appropriate and EFFECTIVE for what I want to accomplish. This question and several other issues I have with the way the book is right now are what I am going to be working on figuring out in the next couple weeks.

Another HUGE question that was posed to me was whether or not the audience I am aiming for can be reached through a book format. It is true, not many teenagers enjoy reading....and ones who have difficulties, like the ones in my book, enjoy reading even less. So, if I want to get a message to them....is a book going to do it? This is something that I thought about before, actually. Which is why I was going to make it an audiobook as well as a regular book, but I have been thinking more and more about it and it makes sense to present the story to these kids in a way that is more visual. So, now, I am thinking that maybe the book should not be a book. Maybe it should be a show or a movie or something. I have sooooo much to think about.

So, where I am right now is kind of back at square one. I know there are some major changes to the story that I want to make. I know that I have to decide on a better format (other than a book). So, can I still make my deadline...to get something done by my 30th birthday party? How much of my plans need to change to fit a new direction? It's kind of all up the air right now. I want to still keep the deadline though. Someone once told me that "without deadlines, we are dead," and it has stuck with me. It will be a challenge, but I am hopeful that I can get it done and make it even better and more effective than before. In other words, I still believe there will be a happy ending :)

Fear is Magnetic

The other day I had the pleasure of celebrating my son's birthday with some of my family members at Disneyland. While we were there, one of those family members was being encouraged....ok, maybe prodded and bribed is more accurate... to get on a ride she was afraid to get on. We tried everything...we made appeals to her pride, we offered a special gift, we offered money, we even offered logic...but, none of these offerings were enough to spur on the courage required of her to face her fear. It made me laugh. Not at her, but at fear itself. It is ironic just how powerful fear can be, yet it is only powerful because we, ourselves, have given it power. We feed it energy. We feed it and it's force grows stronger and stronger, magnetically pulling more fears unto itself. Our fears, then, are multiplied. We said no to facing our fear of the roller coaster...then, later down the line, we say no to going after the person we love, traveling to the far-off places we want to see, or no to facing the challenges standing in the way of the life we want. We wall ourselves into a small existence.

It helps to see down the line. To see how giving in to fear on a small thing (with little risk) can open the door to a habit of fear. So much so, that the habit can even be passed down to your offspring. There are entire families whose members have all suffered the same types of phobias and anxieties because of some ancient ancestor's refusal to stand up to fear....I just know it. Why does it get passed down through so many generations without someone ever stopping it? I think it is because no one ever believed they could stop it. They did not believe they, themselves, had the ability to stop the reign of fear in their lives. How could they believe that? They were not even aware that they were the ones who let fear take over in the first place! I always say it to myself...awareness is the best gift you could ever give yourself. I really and truly believe that. If we are aware of where the fear is coming from, we will, then, become aware of the means to terminate it.

In my past life (when I was younger, that is), I was afraid of everything. I gave into fear almost all the time. Finally, the fear swallowed me up whole and I disappeared for a while. When my son was born, though, I reappeared. I thought long and hard about my addiction to fear and how it might be passed on to him if I didn't do something about it. I didn't want that for him. I didn't want him to learn the habit of fear. It is a daily struggle to break the habit. Just like with any other addiction, you have to take it day by day and every moment is a temptation. Struggle is not fun. It's not easy. But, when I get weary of the struggle, I remind myself of my son and the life I want him to have...one not shrunken by fear. And so, as exhausting as it may be sometimes...I am working to develop the habit of forcing myself to say "no" to fear. Some days I am victorious, other days not so much...I think the important thing, though, is to never give up the struggle.

He shines his little light

In a few days, my son will be turning three. Although there are no words in this world that quite capture what I think about and feel for my son, I can say this:

I love my son. He is the most precious thing on this earth to me. The other day, he fell asleep in my arms just like he used to when he was a little baby. I just looked down at that beautiful, round face and was thankful for that moment. There will only be a few more of those moments before he gets to be too big and doesn’t want to be comforted in my arms like a baby. That brings a bit of sadness, but also it makes me cherish these very priceless moments. I wonder if he will grow up and know just how much I really love him, how much I want to give him a good life, how hard his mommy (and daddy) tried to give him as many precious and meaningful experiences as possible. I just want good things for him--for him to have everything and still be thankful and kind-hearted. He is a glorious soul, filled with so much innate wisdom, understanding, tenderness, and joy. May he never lose that joy, that bright spirit that lights up the world. This world can bring sorrow, can bring pain, and fear, I pray it never touches him. But if it does, I pray he has been given something by God and us to keep him strong and to help his heart to remain light. Thank you, thank you for this gift, this wonderful gift of being able to feel this much love and want these things for someone other than myself. I’m blessed. We’re blessed, baby son, to have you and feel the warmth you bring to a sometimes cold and lonely world.

This is a lullaby song for my son who, when he was born, came out with two of the biggest feet you'll ever see on a newborn!!:):

When you came into this world, all that I could see
Was a head full of hair, and two big, little feet
They were just like your daddy's, so strong and so wide
And as I watched him hold you, I smiled as I cried
And I said,

Where will those feet take you son, where will those feet go
Will they take you somewhere grand, I surely do hope so
I hope that they will guide you to follow your dreams
And if you should stumble, somewhere down that street
I know you'll always land back on, those two big, little feet

He's got a million dollar smile and his little curls
He loves his Michael Jackson, dinosaurs, and girls
He's getting so big now that it's hard to believe
That I once held in one hand, those two big, little feet
And I still say,

Where will those feet take you son, where will those feet go
Will they take you somewhere grand, I surely do hope so
I hope that they will guide you to follow your dreams
And if you should stumble somewhere down that street
I know you'll always stand back on those two big, little feet

I love you papas!

A Conversation with Vanessa

Well, I have been reading some of the other blogs out there and they are very entertaining and SHORT!!! I guess I don't really know what the heck I'm doing with this blogging business! :) It makes me wonder if I am too serious....it is very difficult for me to not be so, seeing as though I have always suffered from a slight case of melancholy. Anyway, this blog post is inspired by a conversation I had with a homeless, young woman that I met at the Farmer's Market the other day. We were talking and as we were talking, I had a very strange feeling. Her thought pattern was very broken and sporadic...as though she were crazy. But, the weird thing is...it felt as though she was doing that on purpose...like she wanted me to think she was crazy so that I would feel sorry for her and give her the things I, at first, thought she was trying to get out of me (a car ride and a place to sleep). After talking to her for quite some time, though, I found out she did, in fact, have somewhere to sleep if she needed it, and had a bus pass for the day. I finally told her, "So, you are homeless right now, because you choose to be" and she came clean and said, "Yeah, I guess." I am not sharing this to say ALL people who are homeless choose it...please don't get it twisted. For now, I want to address the feeling I had. The whole time I was there with her, I knew she just wanted to talk. She wanted someone to sit down and have a little chat with her..she was bored. I could feel that she did not feel sorry for herself and so, I did not feel sorry for her either. So, we chatted, we exchanged names and tiny bits of superficial information, and then I said good-bye. It was a very unique interaction that made me think about gut feelings and emotions and so goes my post....

I have always been a "feeler," that is, someone who feels their way through life. They wear their hearts on their sleeves (and faces) for all to see. Another characteristic of a feeler is they are strongly affected by the feelings of others. If someone next to them has been injured, they feel as though they, too, have been injured. If someone is crying, they cry. If someone is happy, they are happy for them. It is as though no true barrier exists between them and the rest of the world. Thus, a varying array of emotions flows freely into them from every possible source and back out of them again. This is why I cannot watch those internet videos where some idiot tries to jump off a roof and ends up with their face skidding across the jagged pavement without closing my eyes at the point of impact! This is why I cannot watch horror flicks...the terror on the actors' faces feels too real, too close. It is also why I simply cannot bear to see someone I love in any emotional or physical pain! As you might imagine, being this type of person can lead to emotional exhaustion....periods where your "feeler-self" shuts down completely, and you don't feel anything for a while...you are numb. Then, time passes, and voila...it's back to business as usual.

It is both a blessing and a curse to be this way...at least I think so. For it allows me a closer glimpse into other people's lives...a deeper connection. But, at the same time, as mentioned before, it can overwhelm the senses and make me appear as though I am somewhat....well, manic. I do not know if it is a futile pursuit, but I have been trying for the last year or so to see if I can change the way I operate...that is, to see if there is a way to create an internal switch where I can turn my feeler-self on when it is needed and beneficial (to both myself and others) and off when it is not. Is it possible? Should I even be attempting to do this? I really do think it is necessary, for I have seen more bad than good comes from living a life driven by emotion. Wavering motivation, inconsistent interactions, distorted perspective on reality are just a few of the negative by-products of this way of life...not good. I imagine a person who has an on/off switch can get the best of both worlds....they can live in reality -- see things as they truly are (their vision not being muddled by emotion) and they can still be connected to others deeply when necessary. Does any of this make sense? I will chew on it some more....