Well, I have been reading some of the other blogs out there and they are very entertaining and SHORT!!! I guess I don't really know what the heck I'm doing with this blogging business! :) It makes me wonder if I am too serious....it is very difficult for me to not be so, seeing as though I have always suffered from a slight case of melancholy. Anyway, this blog post is inspired by a conversation I had with a homeless, young woman that I met at the Farmer's Market the other day. We were talking and as we were talking, I had a very strange feeling. Her thought pattern was very broken and sporadic...as though she were crazy. But, the weird thing is...it felt as though she was doing that on purpose...like she wanted me to think she was crazy so that I would feel sorry for her and give her the things I, at first, thought she was trying to get out of me (a car ride and a place to sleep). After talking to her for quite some time, though, I found out she did, in fact, have somewhere to sleep if she needed it, and had a bus pass for the day. I finally told her, "So, you are homeless right now, because you choose to be" and she came clean and said, "Yeah, I guess." I am not sharing this to say ALL people who are homeless choose it...please don't get it twisted. For now, I want to address the feeling I had. The whole time I was there with her, I knew she just wanted to talk. She wanted someone to sit down and have a little chat with her..she was bored. I could feel that she did not feel sorry for herself and so, I did not feel sorry for her either. So, we chatted, we exchanged names and tiny bits of superficial information, and then I said good-bye. It was a very unique interaction that made me think about gut feelings and emotions and so goes my post....
I have always been a "feeler," that is, someone who feels their way through life. They wear their hearts on their sleeves (and faces) for all to see. Another characteristic of a feeler is they are strongly affected by the feelings of others. If someone next to them has been injured, they feel as though they, too, have been injured. If someone is crying, they cry. If someone is happy, they are happy for them. It is as though no true barrier exists between them and the rest of the world. Thus, a varying array of emotions flows freely into them from every possible source and back out of them again. This is why I cannot watch those internet videos where some idiot tries to jump off a roof and ends up with their face skidding across the jagged pavement without closing my eyes at the point of impact! This is why I cannot watch horror flicks...the terror on the actors' faces feels too real, too close. It is also why I simply cannot bear to see someone I love in any emotional or physical pain! As you might imagine, being this type of person can lead to emotional exhaustion....periods where your "feeler-self" shuts down completely, and you don't feel anything for a while...you are numb. Then, time passes, and voila...it's back to business as usual.
It is both a blessing and a curse to be this way...at least I think so. For it allows me a closer glimpse into other people's lives...a deeper connection. But, at the same time, as mentioned before, it can overwhelm the senses and make me appear as though I am somewhat....well, manic. I do not know if it is a futile pursuit, but I have been trying for the last year or so to see if I can change the way I operate...that is, to see if there is a way to create an internal switch where I can turn my feeler-self on when it is needed and beneficial (to both myself and others) and off when it is not. Is it possible? Should I even be attempting to do this? I really do think it is necessary, for I have seen more bad than good comes from living a life driven by emotion. Wavering motivation, inconsistent interactions, distorted perspective on reality are just a few of the negative by-products of this way of life...not good. I imagine a person who has an on/off switch can get the best of both worlds....they can live in reality -- see things as they truly are (their vision not being muddled by emotion) and they can still be connected to others deeply when necessary. Does any of this make sense? I will chew on it some more....
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