Nobody Cares...

It has been my suspicion for quite some time. People have even told me plainly and simply. I did not want to believe them, though. I did not want to believe myself even. But, I cannot deny it any longer. As much as it pains me to say, I must say it...NOBODY REALLY CARES! Everybody is out for themselves. When it comes down to them or you, they will choose themselves EVERY TIME. Before you get the wrong impression, however, and take this post as merely a self-indulgent pity party or the ramblings of a jaded skeptic, let me explain my declaration.

As civilized and progressive as we human beings want to believe ourselves to be, we cannot walk away from the core of who we are...our base selves. Underneath every act and every word is the motivation of self preservation. I wanted so badly to believe in altruism...that it truly does exist, but I have yet to find evidence of it. I think about people who do heroic things like putting themselves in harm's way to save another. At first thought, it really does seem like that could be the piece I've been looking for. But, then I think why did the person really do that? Was it because he wanted himself to die in place of the person he saved? No, I do not think so. Most heroes who have been interviewed will give some kind of response like..."it was the right thing to do" or "I didn't really think about it at the time." I think these kinds of acts, then, are still done for the preservation of self. The hero probably could not have lived with himself, with the guilt he may have felt, if he did not act to save the person he witnessed to be in danger. Thus, his action still leads back to what benefited him, his mental health. Or there is some moral code that he lives by, that is so ingrained that if he were to act in contrast to that code, again...he could not live with the guilt of having not acted in accordance with the code he is so attached to.

Even with religion...I think about my upbringing and the "golden rule." We all know it don't we? "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." But, why? Is this a selfless thing? No. The obeying of religious commands, decrees...the practices do not evade self preservation either. If you really think about it, you will see. People follow these...SO THAT they will not end up in hell or SO THAT they might "store up treasures in heaven." They get something that benefits them in return.

What about the "self-sacrificing" love for your kids or your spouse? True, we do make sacrifices for our family. We put a whole lot of what we want to the side in order to care for them and meet their needs. But, is that out of altruism? At the heart of the matter...if we are honest with ourselves...we put some of our lower needs aside only to meet the higher needs we have for companionship, love, security. So, even these come back to the preservation of self.

Now, it all sounds ugly right? It all sounds bad right? But, is it really either of those? I do not really know yet. Right now, I don't think I can speak of this in terms of good or bad. It just is...at least that's how I see it. But, it can lead to beneficial and not so beneficial consequences. For example, when we lie to someone we love and hurt them. We do so to preserve ourselves or to preserve the image we want others to have of us. So, it partly benefits us, but it in the end it does not because it hurts someone we love, someone close to us and that often results in a broken relationship that we highly benefited from to begin with. But, what about when we lie to our boss? We call in sick when we want to go on a family outing...or we want to take a day off for our birthdays? In this scenario, the acting out of self preservation is highly beneficial to you and it is not likely going to hurt your employer. People know this and they do it allll the time (even religious people). Why is this acceptable and the other case not? Because the benefit to non-benefit ratio is higher. It is still lying, though. So, you see....very difficult to speak in terms of good and bad, much easier to make sense of in terms of how beneficial it may be.

Why did I feel the need to write this stuff down? Because I wanted to and this is my blog and I want people to see how "deep" I am and how much I think about life!!!! HA! No...really, that is really why. Actually, these are thoughts that are borrowed from conversations with other people and from similar ideas in books I have read. I chewed on them and have, now, ingested them and have found that they sit well with me...that is, they make sense to me and so I have subscribed to these ideas as though they were my own (isn't that how we all get our thoughts?? from someone or something else that has touched them first?). Also, I have found it BENEFICIAL for me to write out my thoughts so that I can observe them more closely and so that others can challenge them or question them to help me get closer and closer to an accurate perspective on life and everything inside of it.

I also wrote this because I keep thinking about my motivation for writing, publishing, sharing my book. Is it because I want to motivate young people to be contributors and not merely consumers?...yes. But, underneath that is the fact that I just like writing. I enjoy it. Also, I want very badly to leave something in writing behind before I die...so, that maybe, just maybe....I will not be completely forgotten and so that the cause that I have come to love and be connected to might not be forgotten either. You see? SELF-PRESERVATION!!!

Now, it is very possible that I am wrong...heck, I'm not even 30 yet (five more months to go:) ). I did not even start thinking about this stuff until the last couple of years. So, indeed, I may very well be wrong...but, this is where my observations and thoughts have taken me thus far. Don't hate me for it. It would not be beneficial for you...for hate only begets hate and it trumps understanding and without understanding there is no chance for love and without love....where would we be????

Baby Blues

I realized something today. I've got a slight case of the baby blues. Any woman who has ever had a baby knows exactly what I am talking about. I feel similar to how I did during the first couple of weeks after having my son. See, I have just given "birth" to my book. Now, we are not one, but are two separate individuals. As such, it has left an empty space in my womb and is no longer connected to me. I cannot feel it swirling around and kicking inside of me. All the excitement and desire that I felt before this "baby" came has now turned to dread over whether or not I am ready to handle such a great responsibility. That is, am I ready to do the work. Late nights, busy days...trying to figure out how in the world I am going to help this fragile being make it in this world and knowing that I will be the one responsible for it's successes and failures. Such a great responsibility....so many opportunities to mess up! But, I am hopeful that the same things that got me past those initial blue days after my son's birth will get me through these days as well. These are: the love and encouragement of people close to me, the joy that magically comes from days spent living for someone other than myself, and the realization that everyone else is in the same boat. This is not something new. Thousands and thousands of years have past and are full of the history of people who have gone through the same thing....even people who were less prepared than I. Many people have attempted to write something that mattered to someone, hoping to add just a little pinch of salt to someone's life. So, I am not in this alone and that fact is very comforting.

Where I am right now:

I am going to finally be allowing some of the people I trust to read the book and will take any of their notes, critiques, comments and use them to make adjustments or improvements. This is the scariest part by far!!! It is always harder to share your work with people you know and love. Their words carry so much more weight than those of a stranger and, thus, the potential for getting emotionally injured is much higher. But, if I am seeking for honesty...I must seek it in full, not in part. For what good would it be to me (or anyone else) if I shared my book, first, with someone who might lie to me and tell me all the things I want to hear rather than the things I NEED to hear. No, it is better to take the risk and see things as they are, not as I hope them to be. So....that is what I will do, frightening though it may be!!! I'll let you know how I come out of it.

Listen to the Trees...

I have just returned from an enchanted weekend spent in the company of an immense forest of wise evergreens. From the moment we reached the foot of the mountain, throughout our four-day retreat, and all the way back down again, I was greeted by the gentle lulling of the wind blowing through their pointed leaves. They used their flighty companion, the wind, to send down a message. It gently touched against my cheek and blew past each ear. Though there were numerous distractions that beckoned my attention, I could not tune out their poignant words. What was it? What was the message that they whispered down to me? It was a truth. One that chills to the bone and at the same time heightens one’s senses.

It was the truth that one day, I, like every other being that has breath, will perish and become part of the earth under their rooted feet. It was the inescapable truth that I am a mortal being. One need only to look at the grandeur and the sheer size of these pine-scented sages to see what a small, piece of the puzzle we are in this mystery called the universe. Is this something new? Of course not. It is the same message they have been speaking from the beginning of time. But, we forget. We spend our days running at a dizzying pace, filling the atmosphere around us with noise to drown their voice out. We avoid silence. We avoid stillness. We FEAR them. Why?

Because we know what they will say. We know that we will be reminded of our mortality and that is not agreeable to us. But, why should we fear it? Do the trees speak to us as though to taunt…like an older sibling does his brother when he gains permission to do something his younger brother cannot? No. Their voice is not one that taunts. It is not one that jeers. It is one that soothes. If you pay attention closely, you will hear it. In the rustling of their needles, you will hear the distinct sound of empathy. And if you train your ear with the greatest degree of excellence, you may even hear the sound of thankfulness. They are thankful to us, for everything is tied together. One thing does not exist without the other. Those tall, peaceful beings owe their height, in part, to us for they would not have the soil around their roots to nourish their growth if our bodies did not disintegrate into the dirt. And in their thankfulness, they, in turn, provide for us clean air, cool shade, and sober thoughts. So, rather than be afraid—rather than try to drown out their voice, maybe we should, instead, look to them and say…"Thank You" AND "You’re Welcome”.

51, 544 words later....

Well, folks. I would like to announce that I have FINALLY finished my first draft!!! It is 3:10am, my fingers and hands are cramped, my eyes are blurry from staring at the computer screen, and my husband is lying in our bed...alone -- but, I'm done. Well, kind of. There are a few tweaks here and there, some combing through, revisions, rewrites, etc., etc., but...at least the meat is cooked. I am too tired to really feel like I accomplished something tonight...right now, I'm more relieved...but, maybe after some rest I will feel it...we shall see.

"What are you going to do now?," you may ask. My answer is, "I'm going to Disneyland!" Ha ha. No, really...I AM going to Disneyland. I decided that to celebrate the completion of this first draft, I will spend the day with my son at the place where we BOTH enjoy being so much. I'm looking forward to it. Thank you everyone who has commented to me in person for cheering for me. Please keep the cheering going as this is only the beginning of a long process. Love to you all. I must stop typing now before my hands fall off.

Wait...side note: I don't know how my husband does this EVERY day (for the past 5 years or so!). What an inspiration!

Life After Motherhood

This is for all the mommies out there! I had some things on my mind this morning and thought I'd post a little on that. I have been thinking about GOALS a lot lately. There are things I want to do, to accomplish in my life that aren't necessarily related to me being a mommy. I mean, it is true, I am a mommy....but that is not the all in all of who I am or what defines me. Before I was a mommy, I was a Monica...and I still am a Monica. So, my purpose or goals for my life should naturally extend beyond just how great of a mommy I want to be. More than that, I want to be a great, well-rounded PERSON who GIVES/CONTRIBUTES to something outside of myself and leaves a legacy that inspires people. That is one of my ultimate goals and there are countless others (traveling across Europe, starting my own learning center, learning to ballroom dance, completing a marathon, taking a foodie tour of America, etc., etc.)

Many times, I find myself struggling to not feel guilty about having a life outside of being a mommy and devoting time to those goals. Like the past couple of days, for example, I've been spending so much time with my son that it actually feels wrong to even think about stealing time away for myself to blog, to write (or is that an excuse...oops!). But, something someone once told me has stuck with me. She said, "What better thing could we do for our children and our husbands than to lead a productive, successful life -- to be a model of how to do that for our children?" Everyone has their own definition of what a productive, successful life means, what it looks like. Even our own definitions change from year to year, maybe even day to day. Some people have visions of changing the world, others aim to devote and invest time in their immediate sphere of influence (family, friends, neighbors). Are either of these greater or lesser? No, at least I do not think so. The thing is this.... what makes us happy, what drives us, what is our purpose? Do we have goals that are centered around that purpose so that we are always moving forward, getting better, improving, growing? Without goals or a purpose, we stay in one spot all of our lives...and I really do not think that is how life is meant to be lived.

So, time for some audience participation. My questions to you are: 1) What are your thoughts on guilt and finding balance between being a mom and being a person (for the ladies, although men might have good insight--they can surprise you from time to time)? 2) Do you have goals outside of motherhood and if so, 3) Would you be willing to share some of those by commenting? I thought it might be good to put down one goal you want to accomplish for this week, one goal for the next couple of months, and one goal for the year. To break the ice...I'll go first :)

A side note: In my teacher training I learned that its important to AIM HIGH with your goals. Basically, you will only go as far as you reach for, so might as well AIM HIGH:)

This week: To get at least 5 intense workouts/runs in by next Wed.

This month: To finish writing my book (two chapters left!!!!)

This year: To have completed my book and published it (as an audiobook, electronically, and as a hard copy), begun a full-fledged marketing campaign, and have had a "release party" on or by my 30th birthday.