Turn It On -- Another poem

my heart aches for the world today
but i'm too tired to feel
turn on the tv, turn up the music
turn on the Mac, the i-pad, the smartphone,
turn it all on
so that I can turn it all off
all this pain and suffering
all these lives lost
all these demons walking the earth
all these devilish deeds done to the innocent ones
they cry out
their eyes look for help
their mouths ask for mercy
their hands reach for love
but I cannot see them
I cannot hear
I cannot touch
because it is too much
so turn on the tv, turn up the music
turn on the Mac, the i-pad, the smartphone,
turn it all on
so that I can turn it all off

Perfect Moments: The Men in My Life

Today's moment...



Me, walking down the hallway from our room to the living room. All the lights off in the house. As I walk down, I hear my son singing a dreamy ballad-type song that he made himself, in a high-pitched, falsetto voice. I'm not sure what all the lyrics are, but I do hear him repeat the words "the magic in your heart" a few times. I follow his little voice until I reach the living room. There he is, looking out the window, up at the fireworks in the night sky. His daddy, standing next to him, also looking out the window. As I draw near, my husband and I share a look that says, "that's our son singing that beautiful little song in such a beautiful little voice." His dad, amused and proud. Me, on the verge of tears. Why? You mean, besides the fact that I am a woman?

Well, it is just one of those nights, one of those brief moments when you feel the fullness of the love you have for your child....it swells up in you...and you wish, "man, if only we could slow life down and keep him here, just as he is in this very moment." But, then, you realize that is impossible...and maybe a bit selfish. So, you try to take the moment in, take in every last bit, before it passes and becomes a memory that will come to visit you on those "firsts"---first days of kindergarten, first time he broke a bone, first time he walked home on his own, first time he drove the car, first day at college, first day he fell in love, first day he became a father...so many firsts---- when he takes those BIG steps away from being the kid singing in the window and closer to the man he will become. I love my son and I am just so thankful that I have lived long enough and was fortunate enough to have met him and hope I am fortunate enough to meet him in the future, once more, not as a child but as a man.

Perfect Moments: Young Love, Revisited

Today's moment...

One of the reasons why I love coming to visit our family down South is that it is one of the very few times my husband and I get to go out without our son. I love my son, think about him all the time...even when we are out...but, every parent understands that feeling you get when you and your spouse get to reconnect on a one-on-one level and devote our full, undivided attention to one another. It may be just me....but, at first, I always feel a bit odd--don't know exactly what to do. It is like I have to remember how to turn off the "mommy" switch and just be the Monica I was when my husband and I first got together. Though I have changed... grown up a bit...in many ways I am still that girl. Eventually, we find the groove again and for a moment...a brief, but beautiful, moment...we are the young lovers once more. More than content to be in each other's company, to simply be near each other. We hold hands and give each other those gentle touches that, at the start, would send chills down our spine....and are pleasantly surprised to find they still do.

Life tries its darndest to trip us up, keep us too busy or too complacent to remember just how incredible our spouses are. But we have to do what we can, when we can, to slow it down enough to catch our breath and breath new life into, invigorate, our relationships...to remember them as they were when love was new while, at the same time, deepen our appreciation for who our spouses have become and how the roots of our love have grown deeper with the passing of time.

Dear Pen

I don't know how to say this
or quite where to begin
especially after all the years
and situations we've been in
like when i wrote my first letter to a boy
and asked him if he liked me, check yes or no
and you were there to provide catharsis
when he said he had to go
you helped me pour my broken heart out in page after page
and you were still there when my sneaky brother,
a covert war, did wage
when i first found out that he had read those pages for all to hear
you brought the therapy i needed to get out words instead of tears
then, years later, you ...still the loyal friend
were there when my years in high school came to an end
and I had no choice but to sign my life away to some loan
hindsight is 20/20, they say, if only we had known
that four years and countless hours spent with you in hand
instead of leading me to a career
would lead to a foreign land
where you helped me tell about the exciting sights, tastes, and sounds
of a world of new experiences and friends that I had found
but i came back home and when i did
you assisted me once more
you helped me to write back and forth
with the man I came to adore
I loved him more than anyone knew except for you
and you were the one to sign the papers at the courthouse
before we said I do
then, you guided me when I wrote my new, unfamiliar last name
it was so strange to hear, at first, it seemed just like a game
that first time, indeed, felt a little bit odd
but as we stared at it for a moment on the paper
you gave an approving nod
and that name has grown to fit so well
I cannot recall
what my maiden name sounded like
next to my first, at all
so many chapters in my life
you've stood by me and have written
the newest one about my son,
with whom i am quite smitten
remember when you wrote his name on the certificate of his birth
even now, neither of us can write what that moment's worth
or how about the last time, I used you, my dear tool
how hard it was for me to sign that stack of forms for his preschool
and now that brings me back to where i first began
this poem about all the things you and I have
done together in my lifespan
that even with computers, i-phones, and i-pads
i still love you more than all those gizmos, gadgets, and doo-dads
cause you were there from the beginning
and you were always a true friend
and so I promise to do the same
until the very end

A Midnight's Dream

I had a dream
that you came for them last night
you carried them away on the wind
and left me alone on my bed
I cried, I pleaded, but my pleas fell dead on your ears
for you cannot hear
you cannot see
what you leave behind
the destruction done
the crack in the earth's crust
that leads to the depths of
our deepest fears and regret
I wish I could forget
you exist but you will not allow it
for I see you as you pass me on the street
and I see you in the distant stare found in the eyes
of the ones I love
as they look above
at the stars that light up the dark night
reminders, again, of how even the most
grand and brilliant ones
eventually lose their shine
his, hers, and mine
you come to us all
but not tonight
tonight you were a dream I could wake myself up from
and tuck away in the trunk of things better left
for the proper time
when, both, reason and rhyme
are nowhere to be found

The Breath

I breathe into you
you breathe into me
the breath of life
it flows freely

together we make a family
and that breath goes on
to eternity

and it goes on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on and on

I hurt you
then you hurt me
we're fighting the wars
of our family

its been handed down
but some still can't see
we're all just living
another's legacy

and it goes on an on and on and on
on and on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on and on

whatever you say
whatever you do
it touches the ones
who will come after you
careful what you choose
to breath life into
cause it keeps on living
long after you do

and it goes on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on and one

The Girl Who Couldn't Smile

Pretty rainbows and sunshine all around
puffy pillows, sleepy willows gather 'round
she sleeps in sweet peace, no cries of pain to awaken her
the skies of blue are open to
her, but she can't see, no she can't see

'Cause she's the girl who can't smile
though her life's grand as any dream she's ever dreamed
she's the girl who can't smile
though it is clear she has been given everything

Bumpy tree barks and snowflakes on the ground
starry nights and flying kites that won't touch down
pink and indigo, swirl like blankets and surround her
in a warm cocoon, but it won't be too soon before she sees
no, she just cannot see

'Cause she's the girl who can't smile
though her life's grand as any dream she's ever dreamed
she's the girl who can't smile
though it is clear she has been given everything

A child's laughter, love ever after, she's found
steady wealth and steady health all abound
the worst of life has yet to touch her precious head
oh, be grateful for your
having more and
now can you see? the girl is me

I'm the girl who couldn't smile
and my life's grand as any dream I've ever dreamed
I'm the girl who couldn't smile
but, I see clearly, now, I've been given everything

Why did it take so long?
Why did it take so long?
But, I'm glad I'm here
I'm glad I see
I'm glad I see
that I have everything

Two Toothbrushes

Two toothbrushes, side-by-side, on the sink
His is blue, mine is pink

There used to only be one
but its been a while and I can't bring to memory
how things were before there was a you and me
I'm sure things were easier
No opposing views and dirty socks to pick from the floor
But, I'm also sure that without you, my life would be a bore
Because we're different
As in, "Why you always gotta' cry?"
As in, "Why do you always need a why?"
Yes, we're different
As in, "Why can't you work on that later and come to bed?"
As in, "Why can't you see if I didn't work on this, you'd have a cot instead?"
Yes, we're different
As in, "Babe, I know it's late, but can you go to the store for some ice cream?"
As in, "Damn! Only place I want to go is to put my head on a pillow and dream?"
But you went anyway
You always do
And I know everyday
Is better with, not without, you
So though, at times, we miss each other's message
Things get lost in translation
One thing is crystal clear about our frustration
Its about men are from Mars and women from Venus
Its got nothing to do with a lack of love between us
So, I'll take you, and your dirty socks that stink
And I'm glad there are still two toothbrushes, side-by-side, on our sink

Two toothbrushes, side-by-side on the sink
His is blue, mine is pink

On the Eve of New Year's Eve...

Been a while...

Tonight, on the eve of New Year's Eve, there is one thing on my mind and that is...LOVE. A word that has been rendered meaningless over time. For each person has their own definition of love and uses it interchangeably with other words, such as, like ( as in I love those shoes), prefer (I love my Science class and I hate English), affection, attachment, obsession, and the list goes on and on. All that being said, LOVE is still here...it is still around and I do not see it going away any time soon.

Here is why I think LOVE will be around for years to come (or as they say in the fairy tales, why "love will last forever"). Anyone who has ever been in a long-term, committed relationship with someone else cannot deny that there is this essence, this esoteric "something"....or to be fancy, this "je ne sais quoi" that exists to bind people together despite seemingly insurmountable odds. Think about it. How do two individuals (in some cultures, more than two) with completely different backgrounds, sets of experiences, expectations, temperaments, inherited and learned traits and patterns of behaviors, drives, motivations, etc. come together and make it work? How does that happen?! Even people who come from the same kind of general background, socioeconomic status, education, religious affiliation, etc., are, still, immeasurably different from each other. Consider how unalike brothers and sisters can be. But, despite all the variance and innumerable possibilities, two come together and try to establish some kind of meaningful relationship with one another.

Even in serious, committed relationships that have "ended"...they never really end, there remains a "something" left behind, something that either part of the broken pair are never really quite able to shake or let go of.

But what is it? What is it that makes us try to do the impossible? What, when things get bumpy, or when there are misunderstandings, or when someone is feeling neglected or someone else is just plain hurt, what brings us past these points in our relationships? What makes us say, I CHOOSE you over fear of disappointment, I CHOOSE you over resentment and bitterness, I CHOOSE you even when I do not understand you, I CHOOSE to trust you even when I am most vulnerable, I CHOOSE you even when, even when, even when.....(fill in the blank)

To take the good, the bad, the everything....To love someone and to continue to TRUST that its going to all work out NO MATTER WHAT, to wake up EVERY morning and EVERY morning be thankful that you get to spend your life with this someone...to still be thankful even when , even when...

Not everyone makes it work, but some do. Some survive...holding on by just a thread, some thrive. How? What makes this possible? There is no name for it and so we give it a name....it may not be LOVE, but that is what we call it. That is how we identify this "something" that makes a miracle possible.

Miracles do not come cheap, though. Nor are they guaranteed. They must not be taken for granted. EVERY DAY, see it, see your miracle...appreciate it..marvel at it and give thanks...even when...

And no one can tell you how to make YOUR miracle work. Outside advice or counsel can provide information, perspective, etc. but at the end of the day it is YOU and THE OTHER PERSON and that is all. It may not make sense to anybody else in the world...it may not even make complete sense to you...but it still works and why? The miracle...LOVE.

To end the year with LOVE on my mind, I think is good. To begin the new one with it? Even better. Now....to tend to, protect, and fight (with sword and shield) for my miracle....

Not the Sun

I have not posted in a while. I am still letting things marinate right now. In the meantime, here is a little something, something. Not quite a poem...just thoughts I had today:

I am always searching for the sun

sitting near windows and on benches situated far away from the shade of the trees

just to feel those piercing rays of energy etch their way through the epidermal layer

of my skin and radiate throughout the rest of my body

yes, i love the sun

though I love it...I am cautious of it

for I know that if I let it touch me for too long and too strong, it's power might overcome me and rather than be a gentle friend, it may become a malevolent villain--cursing my skin with a touch that I could never welcome

there are books of poetry and albums full of songs that equate love to the sun

I have to admit, that I, in error, once did as well

but, love is not the sun

you do not have to be cautious with it...for what is there to be cautious of if love's touch became too long and too strong?

what bad thing could come from being OVERcome by love?

though we need not fear it, though we need not put on a protective layer of white film between us and love....sometimes we do it anyway

but, love is not the sun

I will sit near the window and on the benches situated far away from the shade of the trees and let love's rays of energy etch their way into my being..without caution..without fear...and allow it to radiate a pulse of warmth throughout my body

love is not the sun

I do not have to search for love....it has found me and it's touch is one that I will always welcome.

He shines his little light

In a few days, my son will be turning three. Although there are no words in this world that quite capture what I think about and feel for my son, I can say this:

I love my son. He is the most precious thing on this earth to me. The other day, he fell asleep in my arms just like he used to when he was a little baby. I just looked down at that beautiful, round face and was thankful for that moment. There will only be a few more of those moments before he gets to be too big and doesn’t want to be comforted in my arms like a baby. That brings a bit of sadness, but also it makes me cherish these very priceless moments. I wonder if he will grow up and know just how much I really love him, how much I want to give him a good life, how hard his mommy (and daddy) tried to give him as many precious and meaningful experiences as possible. I just want good things for him--for him to have everything and still be thankful and kind-hearted. He is a glorious soul, filled with so much innate wisdom, understanding, tenderness, and joy. May he never lose that joy, that bright spirit that lights up the world. This world can bring sorrow, can bring pain, and fear, I pray it never touches him. But if it does, I pray he has been given something by God and us to keep him strong and to help his heart to remain light. Thank you, thank you for this gift, this wonderful gift of being able to feel this much love and want these things for someone other than myself. I’m blessed. We’re blessed, baby son, to have you and feel the warmth you bring to a sometimes cold and lonely world.

This is a lullaby song for my son who, when he was born, came out with two of the biggest feet you'll ever see on a newborn!!:):

When you came into this world, all that I could see
Was a head full of hair, and two big, little feet
They were just like your daddy's, so strong and so wide
And as I watched him hold you, I smiled as I cried
And I said,

Where will those feet take you son, where will those feet go
Will they take you somewhere grand, I surely do hope so
I hope that they will guide you to follow your dreams
And if you should stumble, somewhere down that street
I know you'll always land back on, those two big, little feet

He's got a million dollar smile and his little curls
He loves his Michael Jackson, dinosaurs, and girls
He's getting so big now that it's hard to believe
That I once held in one hand, those two big, little feet
And I still say,

Where will those feet take you son, where will those feet go
Will they take you somewhere grand, I surely do hope so
I hope that they will guide you to follow your dreams
And if you should stumble somewhere down that street
I know you'll always stand back on those two big, little feet

I love you papas!

Nobody Cares...

It has been my suspicion for quite some time. People have even told me plainly and simply. I did not want to believe them, though. I did not want to believe myself even. But, I cannot deny it any longer. As much as it pains me to say, I must say it...NOBODY REALLY CARES! Everybody is out for themselves. When it comes down to them or you, they will choose themselves EVERY TIME. Before you get the wrong impression, however, and take this post as merely a self-indulgent pity party or the ramblings of a jaded skeptic, let me explain my declaration.

As civilized and progressive as we human beings want to believe ourselves to be, we cannot walk away from the core of who we are...our base selves. Underneath every act and every word is the motivation of self preservation. I wanted so badly to believe in altruism...that it truly does exist, but I have yet to find evidence of it. I think about people who do heroic things like putting themselves in harm's way to save another. At first thought, it really does seem like that could be the piece I've been looking for. But, then I think why did the person really do that? Was it because he wanted himself to die in place of the person he saved? No, I do not think so. Most heroes who have been interviewed will give some kind of response like..."it was the right thing to do" or "I didn't really think about it at the time." I think these kinds of acts, then, are still done for the preservation of self. The hero probably could not have lived with himself, with the guilt he may have felt, if he did not act to save the person he witnessed to be in danger. Thus, his action still leads back to what benefited him, his mental health. Or there is some moral code that he lives by, that is so ingrained that if he were to act in contrast to that code, again...he could not live with the guilt of having not acted in accordance with the code he is so attached to.

Even with religion...I think about my upbringing and the "golden rule." We all know it don't we? "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." But, why? Is this a selfless thing? No. The obeying of religious commands, decrees...the practices do not evade self preservation either. If you really think about it, you will see. People follow these...SO THAT they will not end up in hell or SO THAT they might "store up treasures in heaven." They get something that benefits them in return.

What about the "self-sacrificing" love for your kids or your spouse? True, we do make sacrifices for our family. We put a whole lot of what we want to the side in order to care for them and meet their needs. But, is that out of altruism? At the heart of the matter...if we are honest with ourselves...we put some of our lower needs aside only to meet the higher needs we have for companionship, love, security. So, even these come back to the preservation of self.

Now, it all sounds ugly right? It all sounds bad right? But, is it really either of those? I do not really know yet. Right now, I don't think I can speak of this in terms of good or bad. It just is...at least that's how I see it. But, it can lead to beneficial and not so beneficial consequences. For example, when we lie to someone we love and hurt them. We do so to preserve ourselves or to preserve the image we want others to have of us. So, it partly benefits us, but it in the end it does not because it hurts someone we love, someone close to us and that often results in a broken relationship that we highly benefited from to begin with. But, what about when we lie to our boss? We call in sick when we want to go on a family outing...or we want to take a day off for our birthdays? In this scenario, the acting out of self preservation is highly beneficial to you and it is not likely going to hurt your employer. People know this and they do it allll the time (even religious people). Why is this acceptable and the other case not? Because the benefit to non-benefit ratio is higher. It is still lying, though. So, you see....very difficult to speak in terms of good and bad, much easier to make sense of in terms of how beneficial it may be.

Why did I feel the need to write this stuff down? Because I wanted to and this is my blog and I want people to see how "deep" I am and how much I think about life!!!! HA! No...really, that is really why. Actually, these are thoughts that are borrowed from conversations with other people and from similar ideas in books I have read. I chewed on them and have, now, ingested them and have found that they sit well with me...that is, they make sense to me and so I have subscribed to these ideas as though they were my own (isn't that how we all get our thoughts?? from someone or something else that has touched them first?). Also, I have found it BENEFICIAL for me to write out my thoughts so that I can observe them more closely and so that others can challenge them or question them to help me get closer and closer to an accurate perspective on life and everything inside of it.

I also wrote this because I keep thinking about my motivation for writing, publishing, sharing my book. Is it because I want to motivate young people to be contributors and not merely consumers?...yes. But, underneath that is the fact that I just like writing. I enjoy it. Also, I want very badly to leave something in writing behind before I die...so, that maybe, just maybe....I will not be completely forgotten and so that the cause that I have come to love and be connected to might not be forgotten either. You see? SELF-PRESERVATION!!!

Now, it is very possible that I am wrong...heck, I'm not even 30 yet (five more months to go:) ). I did not even start thinking about this stuff until the last couple of years. So, indeed, I may very well be wrong...but, this is where my observations and thoughts have taken me thus far. Don't hate me for it. It would not be beneficial for you...for hate only begets hate and it trumps understanding and without understanding there is no chance for love and without love....where would we be????