The Race

Each in our own row 
We wear our colors with pride
And run in anticipation of the culmination of a lifetime of events
One team coasting with ease as if the breeze was only meant to blow behind their backs
The rest of us lag behind, as if our shoelaces were tied at birth 
At the start of it all
But we didn't fall 
We have found a way to run with our feet bound together
Closing in on the lead, but each time we come close ...a trip 
A stone....a pebble in the shoe
But all race on 
Because we are here, we must
Until the dust covers more than just our feet 
Or until the ancient sun grows weary of giving us it's heat
  
 

Perfect Moments: Young Love, Revisited

Today's moment...

One of the reasons why I love coming to visit our family down South is that it is one of the very few times my husband and I get to go out without our son. I love my son, think about him all the time...even when we are out...but, every parent understands that feeling you get when you and your spouse get to reconnect on a one-on-one level and devote our full, undivided attention to one another. It may be just me....but, at first, I always feel a bit odd--don't know exactly what to do. It is like I have to remember how to turn off the "mommy" switch and just be the Monica I was when my husband and I first got together. Though I have changed... grown up a bit...in many ways I am still that girl. Eventually, we find the groove again and for a moment...a brief, but beautiful, moment...we are the young lovers once more. More than content to be in each other's company, to simply be near each other. We hold hands and give each other those gentle touches that, at the start, would send chills down our spine....and are pleasantly surprised to find they still do.

Life tries its darndest to trip us up, keep us too busy or too complacent to remember just how incredible our spouses are. But we have to do what we can, when we can, to slow it down enough to catch our breath and breath new life into, invigorate, our relationships...to remember them as they were when love was new while, at the same time, deepen our appreciation for who our spouses have become and how the roots of our love have grown deeper with the passing of time.

Perfect Moments: Me vs. The Bee

Today's perfect moment....



Today, my husband, son, and I went on an outing for the evening. As we were waiting in line, my son was dancing around (as usual) and singing...excited to be out and about. Suddenly, I noticed something crawling on the back of shirt. I got a closer look and realized it was a BEE!....precariously positioned an inch away from my son's neck. Now, if you know me....you should know that my usual response in such a situation would be ..."AAAAAHHHHH!"....and then, I would be running like a wild woman the opposite direction. Well, today...when I saw that the bee was so close to causing my son some serious pain, I freaked for a slight moment, but quickly regained composure and pretended like nothing was wrong so as not to alarm my son and cause him to move. Then, I flicked the bee off of him with my finger!! My son escaped, no sting and no idea that I had just saved his LIFE!!:)

ok, well...that's exaggerating a bit...but anyway

The point...the reason WHY this is the perfect moment of the day today...is, in that moment I thought of someone other than myself...at least, consciously, it seemed that way. Everything in me wanted to scream!!!! and get away, but I couldn't let my son get hurt. In that moment, I felt like such a MOM...fitting for this week, I guess. I will admit that I don't always feel like a MOM. Sometimes I have no idea what the hell I'm doing, sometimes I feel like I'm the greatest mom there ever was:). But, I know this....I would do everything in my power to protect my son from harm....I KNOW it. This is one of only a few things I can say that I am CERTAIN of. It is amazing... baffling even. The special bond between a parent and child...in most cases...is one of the things that makes it harder to accept and embrace the fact that this life will come to an end and with it, all the precious bonds we've experienced with the people in it. It is these moments when I am reminded to appreciate them while I can.

The Perfect Moment

I have been neglecting you, dear blog. Apologize, I do (my son is really into Star Wars right now:) ). But, it is a new month, a new day! I will be spending the month of May sharing my "perfect moment" of each day. By perfect moment, I mean--the times when the world stops turning for a brief second, long enough for you to see yourself and everything around you more fully and in silent stillness, the beauty in your life comes into focus and you experience the most profound sense of thankfulness.

Today's moment...

My son and I, after having a picnic on the City Hall lawn across the street, lying down on the grass, looking up at the sky, watching a weakened Santa Ana wind make the trees around us gracefully dance from side-to-side. The look of pure delight on my son's face accompanied by his gleeful giggle was reminiscent of the one he would send forth forcefully when he was still not yet able to talk, but was teeming with a desperate desire to communicate his excitement over newfound discoveries. Seeing him so genuinely happy, by something some may think so simple, made my heart swell.

Dear Pen

I don't know how to say this
or quite where to begin
especially after all the years
and situations we've been in
like when i wrote my first letter to a boy
and asked him if he liked me, check yes or no
and you were there to provide catharsis
when he said he had to go
you helped me pour my broken heart out in page after page
and you were still there when my sneaky brother,
a covert war, did wage
when i first found out that he had read those pages for all to hear
you brought the therapy i needed to get out words instead of tears
then, years later, you ...still the loyal friend
were there when my years in high school came to an end
and I had no choice but to sign my life away to some loan
hindsight is 20/20, they say, if only we had known
that four years and countless hours spent with you in hand
instead of leading me to a career
would lead to a foreign land
where you helped me tell about the exciting sights, tastes, and sounds
of a world of new experiences and friends that I had found
but i came back home and when i did
you assisted me once more
you helped me to write back and forth
with the man I came to adore
I loved him more than anyone knew except for you
and you were the one to sign the papers at the courthouse
before we said I do
then, you guided me when I wrote my new, unfamiliar last name
it was so strange to hear, at first, it seemed just like a game
that first time, indeed, felt a little bit odd
but as we stared at it for a moment on the paper
you gave an approving nod
and that name has grown to fit so well
I cannot recall
what my maiden name sounded like
next to my first, at all
so many chapters in my life
you've stood by me and have written
the newest one about my son,
with whom i am quite smitten
remember when you wrote his name on the certificate of his birth
even now, neither of us can write what that moment's worth
or how about the last time, I used you, my dear tool
how hard it was for me to sign that stack of forms for his preschool
and now that brings me back to where i first began
this poem about all the things you and I have
done together in my lifespan
that even with computers, i-phones, and i-pads
i still love you more than all those gizmos, gadgets, and doo-dads
cause you were there from the beginning
and you were always a true friend
and so I promise to do the same
until the very end

A Midnight's Dream

I had a dream
that you came for them last night
you carried them away on the wind
and left me alone on my bed
I cried, I pleaded, but my pleas fell dead on your ears
for you cannot hear
you cannot see
what you leave behind
the destruction done
the crack in the earth's crust
that leads to the depths of
our deepest fears and regret
I wish I could forget
you exist but you will not allow it
for I see you as you pass me on the street
and I see you in the distant stare found in the eyes
of the ones I love
as they look above
at the stars that light up the dark night
reminders, again, of how even the most
grand and brilliant ones
eventually lose their shine
his, hers, and mine
you come to us all
but not tonight
tonight you were a dream I could wake myself up from
and tuck away in the trunk of things better left
for the proper time
when, both, reason and rhyme
are nowhere to be found

The Breath

I breathe into you
you breathe into me
the breath of life
it flows freely

together we make a family
and that breath goes on
to eternity

and it goes on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on and on

I hurt you
then you hurt me
we're fighting the wars
of our family

its been handed down
but some still can't see
we're all just living
another's legacy

and it goes on an on and on and on
on and on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on and on

whatever you say
whatever you do
it touches the ones
who will come after you
careful what you choose
to breath life into
cause it keeps on living
long after you do

and it goes on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on and one

The Girl Who Couldn't Smile

Pretty rainbows and sunshine all around
puffy pillows, sleepy willows gather 'round
she sleeps in sweet peace, no cries of pain to awaken her
the skies of blue are open to
her, but she can't see, no she can't see

'Cause she's the girl who can't smile
though her life's grand as any dream she's ever dreamed
she's the girl who can't smile
though it is clear she has been given everything

Bumpy tree barks and snowflakes on the ground
starry nights and flying kites that won't touch down
pink and indigo, swirl like blankets and surround her
in a warm cocoon, but it won't be too soon before she sees
no, she just cannot see

'Cause she's the girl who can't smile
though her life's grand as any dream she's ever dreamed
she's the girl who can't smile
though it is clear she has been given everything

A child's laughter, love ever after, she's found
steady wealth and steady health all abound
the worst of life has yet to touch her precious head
oh, be grateful for your
having more and
now can you see? the girl is me

I'm the girl who couldn't smile
and my life's grand as any dream I've ever dreamed
I'm the girl who couldn't smile
but, I see clearly, now, I've been given everything

Why did it take so long?
Why did it take so long?
But, I'm glad I'm here
I'm glad I see
I'm glad I see
that I have everything

A Child's Sense

he sees strawberry chocolate skies
and sleeping dinosaur mountains
he sees each color hidden in white light
and little, bitty, baby bugs crawling in the grass

he hears the whispers of the wind, asking him to run beside it
and big, hairy, scary monsters stomping on the ceiling at night
he hears the melody in the clanging of the chain hitting against an iron fence
and his own lyrics in each song that plays on the radio

he feels the shape of each teenie, tiny grain of sand in the sandbox
and the beat of a bass drum pounding in his chest
he feels the soft, silky smooth of cold milk gently coating the back of his throat
and the fine thread of every fiber of his favorite blanket when he sleeps

he smells the yummy of the oatmeal cookies in the oven before they are even made
and the distinct scent of each flourishing flower he passes on his way to the park
he smells the smoke of the pretend fire he's made while camping in his room
and the wet of the rain tap, tap, tapping on his window

he tastes the green in the spinach he wishes mommy didn't make him eat
and the blind-to-the-naked tongue, tantalizing taste of water
he sees, hears, feels, smells, tastes the tastes of life with every breath he breathes
oh, to be a child again and taste, smell, feel, hear, see the things he sees

Wait for Sunrise

For those who believed the night would never end....

I remember when I was a little girl asleep in my bed
With the night came shifting shadows and scary visions in my head
And it always seemed as though, the night would never end
but, morning always ushered in the light of a bright friend

Those same shifting shadows came to visit you, they messed with your head
They whispered things one shouldn't hear while crying alone in one's bed
And to you it seemed as though the night would never end
Wish you would have waited until morning came my friend

Wish you would have waited for just one more sunrise
Maybe you would've seen, life's better than it seems
Wish you would have waited for just one more sunrise
I'm sure you would've seen, life really is a dream

Coconuts!

It hit me like a million coconuts last night. I had no idea what the heck I was doing when I started this endeavor. As I review the story I put down, I realize it is not quite the story I had hoped for. Far from it, in fact. I didn't want to see it as I was writing, but there is no escaping it now. I let the story get away from me. I rushed the process and I skipped corners (somewhat unconsciously) to get something "done" by my 30th birthday. Now, though, I am faced with a question. Will I be satisfied by just having "something" done by the deadline I had originally set even if it is not a "30-worthy something?" I think the answer, for me, is no. Certainly not.

And sooo...the announcement. I have changed my deadline -- a six month extension. Now, the goal for me is to get the story I REALLY want...in the format of my choosing..down on paper by the end of July 2011. It is a little disappointing to me. But, this is life. Life NEVER goes as planned and if it did....would it be any fun? Would we ever grow, would we ever learn? So, yes. It is a little disappointing, but at the same time...I am learning soooo much. Not just about what it takes to write a real story either. I am learning about me -- my strengths, my limitations, my fears, my dreams, my values.

I want to learn more, though. I am not the world. I want to learn about the world and the people in it. To take the time to be an astute observer and appreciate the various operating systems at work. There is so much to learn...isn't that fantastic? I hope I never get to the point where I can say I have learned it all for that would only mean that I gave up. I do not want to give up.