I Can't Live Without "ME"

All that really matters is perception. How much understanding you have, how much awareness. How accurate your perceptions are in relation to what really is. That is what matters. I have lived my life with an obsession for validation. I have always depended on others to tell me that I am smart, to tell me that I am beautiful, to tell me that I am a good person. Things I so desire to be. But, even if they tell me these things does that make it so? Is it real? Do these things even matter? It is so limiting. Aren't there much greater things to be? I find myself in a constant state of flux, going back and forth, peace – conflict – peace - conflict --- all of it depending on what feedback I am getting from others around me. But, how can one maintain this way? It is lunacy….madness. There is no external validation that exists that will provide for me the steady peace I seek. Where is the immovable center? To be alone, completely and utterly alone and be content – content with life in a silent room of solitude….until I can get there, I have not truly lived, I have not come to understand anything. When I can get there, then that is when I will be able to give – give entirely. Until I get there, then, all my interactions with people are merely variations of bartering. I give, only to take – to trade. When I can give and be content to never receive in return….that is when, I think, I can say I am a healthy, whole person. That is when I can truly help someone else, when I have understood real compassion.

What kind of friends are we? What kind of spouses are we? What kind of parents are we, if we are constantly seeking to take pieces of our friends, our spouses, our children away to add to our sense of worth? It is painful, deeply hurtful, to think about these things…but necessary. I wrote of the inescapability of selfishness before and on my doubt that any act is done for a purpose apart from self-preservation. Is it really inescapable – is there a way to TRANSCEND the self? Just because I haven’t seen it or experienced it yet…does that mean that it cannot …or that it has not been done?

I think it was Mother Theresa who once said (this is paraphrased), you give until it hurts, and then you continue to give until it stops hurting. I think most of us do the first part, we give until it hurts…but then we stop. We get scared. We are afraid to continue giving because we are afraid of losing ourselves entirely. If we lose ourselves, then, what remains? But, maybe…just maybe…we will find that if we lose what we see as our self…we will find something even better than that self…wholeness, liberation, understanding. I HAVE NO IDEA about any of it! I think it will take me a lifetime to grasp, if that. I hope that I am blessed with enough days on Earth to seek it out…to at least get close. I hope the same for you.

Nobody Cares...

It has been my suspicion for quite some time. People have even told me plainly and simply. I did not want to believe them, though. I did not want to believe myself even. But, I cannot deny it any longer. As much as it pains me to say, I must say it...NOBODY REALLY CARES! Everybody is out for themselves. When it comes down to them or you, they will choose themselves EVERY TIME. Before you get the wrong impression, however, and take this post as merely a self-indulgent pity party or the ramblings of a jaded skeptic, let me explain my declaration.

As civilized and progressive as we human beings want to believe ourselves to be, we cannot walk away from the core of who we are...our base selves. Underneath every act and every word is the motivation of self preservation. I wanted so badly to believe in altruism...that it truly does exist, but I have yet to find evidence of it. I think about people who do heroic things like putting themselves in harm's way to save another. At first thought, it really does seem like that could be the piece I've been looking for. But, then I think why did the person really do that? Was it because he wanted himself to die in place of the person he saved? No, I do not think so. Most heroes who have been interviewed will give some kind of response like..."it was the right thing to do" or "I didn't really think about it at the time." I think these kinds of acts, then, are still done for the preservation of self. The hero probably could not have lived with himself, with the guilt he may have felt, if he did not act to save the person he witnessed to be in danger. Thus, his action still leads back to what benefited him, his mental health. Or there is some moral code that he lives by, that is so ingrained that if he were to act in contrast to that code, again...he could not live with the guilt of having not acted in accordance with the code he is so attached to.

Even with religion...I think about my upbringing and the "golden rule." We all know it don't we? "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." But, why? Is this a selfless thing? No. The obeying of religious commands, decrees...the practices do not evade self preservation either. If you really think about it, you will see. People follow these...SO THAT they will not end up in hell or SO THAT they might "store up treasures in heaven." They get something that benefits them in return.

What about the "self-sacrificing" love for your kids or your spouse? True, we do make sacrifices for our family. We put a whole lot of what we want to the side in order to care for them and meet their needs. But, is that out of altruism? At the heart of the matter...if we are honest with ourselves...we put some of our lower needs aside only to meet the higher needs we have for companionship, love, security. So, even these come back to the preservation of self.

Now, it all sounds ugly right? It all sounds bad right? But, is it really either of those? I do not really know yet. Right now, I don't think I can speak of this in terms of good or bad. It just is...at least that's how I see it. But, it can lead to beneficial and not so beneficial consequences. For example, when we lie to someone we love and hurt them. We do so to preserve ourselves or to preserve the image we want others to have of us. So, it partly benefits us, but it in the end it does not because it hurts someone we love, someone close to us and that often results in a broken relationship that we highly benefited from to begin with. But, what about when we lie to our boss? We call in sick when we want to go on a family outing...or we want to take a day off for our birthdays? In this scenario, the acting out of self preservation is highly beneficial to you and it is not likely going to hurt your employer. People know this and they do it allll the time (even religious people). Why is this acceptable and the other case not? Because the benefit to non-benefit ratio is higher. It is still lying, though. So, you see....very difficult to speak in terms of good and bad, much easier to make sense of in terms of how beneficial it may be.

Why did I feel the need to write this stuff down? Because I wanted to and this is my blog and I want people to see how "deep" I am and how much I think about life!!!! HA! No...really, that is really why. Actually, these are thoughts that are borrowed from conversations with other people and from similar ideas in books I have read. I chewed on them and have, now, ingested them and have found that they sit well with me...that is, they make sense to me and so I have subscribed to these ideas as though they were my own (isn't that how we all get our thoughts?? from someone or something else that has touched them first?). Also, I have found it BENEFICIAL for me to write out my thoughts so that I can observe them more closely and so that others can challenge them or question them to help me get closer and closer to an accurate perspective on life and everything inside of it.

I also wrote this because I keep thinking about my motivation for writing, publishing, sharing my book. Is it because I want to motivate young people to be contributors and not merely consumers?...yes. But, underneath that is the fact that I just like writing. I enjoy it. Also, I want very badly to leave something in writing behind before I die...so, that maybe, just maybe....I will not be completely forgotten and so that the cause that I have come to love and be connected to might not be forgotten either. You see? SELF-PRESERVATION!!!

Now, it is very possible that I am wrong...heck, I'm not even 30 yet (five more months to go:) ). I did not even start thinking about this stuff until the last couple of years. So, indeed, I may very well be wrong...but, this is where my observations and thoughts have taken me thus far. Don't hate me for it. It would not be beneficial for you...for hate only begets hate and it trumps understanding and without understanding there is no chance for love and without love....where would we be????