Wait for Sunrise

For those who believed the night would never end....

I remember when I was a little girl asleep in my bed
With the night came shifting shadows and scary visions in my head
And it always seemed as though, the night would never end
but, morning always ushered in the light of a bright friend

Those same shifting shadows came to visit you, they messed with your head
They whispered things one shouldn't hear while crying alone in one's bed
And to you it seemed as though the night would never end
Wish you would have waited until morning came my friend

Wish you would have waited for just one more sunrise
Maybe you would've seen, life's better than it seems
Wish you would have waited for just one more sunrise
I'm sure you would've seen, life really is a dream

A Difficult Choice

Some of you may have heard about Daw Aung San Suu Kyi's recent release from house arrest. This week, she was reunited with one of her sons. This story really touched me. It was something that one might easily dismiss as just a nice, feel-good story, but for me it was much more than that. It shook me and made me ask myself some tough questions about myself and about my journey in life as a woman.

First, I wondered how much conviction must this woman have had to stand up for what she believes in-for her dream-in the face of seemingly insurmountable opposition? She was a prisoner in her own home, cut off from friends, her work, her children. Her husband was dying of cancer and could not enter the country to see her and she refused to leave for fear that the Burmese government would not allow her re-entry (thus, halting her work there). Her son had become a man while she was imprisoned---she missed so much. I thought, "Could I ever make that kind of sacrifice?" I do not believe that I have found a vision or dream for the future of the world that has caused me to want to put the needs of my husband and son aside. Sure, she could see that her sacrifice, in the long run, does serve her family well in that it may make the world they live in better, but I wonder if she has regrets.

Another question that came to my mind was should I have a vision for the world that I am that dedicated to--one that would require me forfeiting my family for the greater good? It is something really, really hard for me to see, at least at this point in life, that there is something more important than my family. Is that because I am short-sighted or is loving and caring for my family enough of a service to the greater good? It does seem as though some people are born to be revolutionaries of the world and others are not. I wonder if that is so. Maybe everyone was born to be a revolutionary but some never encounter the experiences required to develop sight beyond what is right in front of them.

Tough questions. I stared at the picture of Suu Kiu and her son for a long time. I tried to read what was in her eyes. To me, I saw great strength, but also a twinge of sadness there. I wonder how many times, while cut off from the rest of the world for all those years, she wondered to herself...Is it worth it? Is it worth all the sacrifice, will it amount to any significant change? Then, I thought of Spartacus, Martin Luther King Jr., Ghandi, Nelson Mandela....the Beatles:). How many times did they question whether or not what they were doing was really worth it, whether or not it would matter? And, what would our world look like if they had stopped there?

Finally, I wondered if I was asking myself all the wrong questions. Should what Suu Kyi has done even be considered a sacrifice if it is something that she wholeheartedly believed in? She does not even see it as such. In her own words, she basically said it is not a sacrifice for her...it is a choice. She chose it for herself. Everyone chooses for themselves what matters. Was she really casting the needs of her family aside? Did her family even NEED HER to be present by their side? Every person is different, every family functions differently. What if what Suu Kyi chose WAS the best choice for her family. Her sons might even be stronger, healthier, more independent, compassionate people because of her choice? Who is to say that it is not so? I think Suu-Kyi is right. We all make our own choices, as difficult as they may be, and must be ready to own whatever consequences (beneficial or non-beneficial) may result from those choices. I think she has taken full responsibility for the consequences of her choice and that, being the rarity it is these days, is worthy of ANOTHER Nobel Prize.

Not the Sun

I have not posted in a while. I am still letting things marinate right now. In the meantime, here is a little something, something. Not quite a poem...just thoughts I had today:

I am always searching for the sun

sitting near windows and on benches situated far away from the shade of the trees

just to feel those piercing rays of energy etch their way through the epidermal layer

of my skin and radiate throughout the rest of my body

yes, i love the sun

though I love it...I am cautious of it

for I know that if I let it touch me for too long and too strong, it's power might overcome me and rather than be a gentle friend, it may become a malevolent villain--cursing my skin with a touch that I could never welcome

there are books of poetry and albums full of songs that equate love to the sun

I have to admit, that I, in error, once did as well

but, love is not the sun

you do not have to be cautious with it...for what is there to be cautious of if love's touch became too long and too strong?

what bad thing could come from being OVERcome by love?

though we need not fear it, though we need not put on a protective layer of white film between us and love....sometimes we do it anyway

but, love is not the sun

I will sit near the window and on the benches situated far away from the shade of the trees and let love's rays of energy etch their way into my being..without caution..without fear...and allow it to radiate a pulse of warmth throughout my body

love is not the sun

I do not have to search for love....it has found me and it's touch is one that I will always welcome.

Rain is Rain

I watched him walking in the rain. His back hunched over, his hair dripping. "Where will he sleep tonight?", I thought. Then I went back to the rain and thought, "It doesn't care." When the rain falls...it falls. It does not pay mind to such things as whether or not one may have shelter from it. It simply falls. I normally would have loved that rain...but, after watching the way it poured down mercilessly on that old man's head, I wondered if I should.

Then, my thoughts were interrupted by the sound of my son's feet sloshing through the puddles on the ground beneath them. I looked down at him. His face was beaming, his arms stretched out wide, his palms open. He welcomed the rain like one would a long lost friend. He danced, he splashed--he reveled in every single drop that touched him.

The rain that gushed down upon the old man's head was the very same rain that fell upon my son's. Resent it or adore it? I was torn. I decided that neither was appropriate. Rain is rain. Life is life.

I Can't Live Without "ME"

All that really matters is perception. How much understanding you have, how much awareness. How accurate your perceptions are in relation to what really is. That is what matters. I have lived my life with an obsession for validation. I have always depended on others to tell me that I am smart, to tell me that I am beautiful, to tell me that I am a good person. Things I so desire to be. But, even if they tell me these things does that make it so? Is it real? Do these things even matter? It is so limiting. Aren't there much greater things to be? I find myself in a constant state of flux, going back and forth, peace – conflict – peace - conflict --- all of it depending on what feedback I am getting from others around me. But, how can one maintain this way? It is lunacy….madness. There is no external validation that exists that will provide for me the steady peace I seek. Where is the immovable center? To be alone, completely and utterly alone and be content – content with life in a silent room of solitude….until I can get there, I have not truly lived, I have not come to understand anything. When I can get there, then that is when I will be able to give – give entirely. Until I get there, then, all my interactions with people are merely variations of bartering. I give, only to take – to trade. When I can give and be content to never receive in return….that is when, I think, I can say I am a healthy, whole person. That is when I can truly help someone else, when I have understood real compassion.

What kind of friends are we? What kind of spouses are we? What kind of parents are we, if we are constantly seeking to take pieces of our friends, our spouses, our children away to add to our sense of worth? It is painful, deeply hurtful, to think about these things…but necessary. I wrote of the inescapability of selfishness before and on my doubt that any act is done for a purpose apart from self-preservation. Is it really inescapable – is there a way to TRANSCEND the self? Just because I haven’t seen it or experienced it yet…does that mean that it cannot …or that it has not been done?

I think it was Mother Theresa who once said (this is paraphrased), you give until it hurts, and then you continue to give until it stops hurting. I think most of us do the first part, we give until it hurts…but then we stop. We get scared. We are afraid to continue giving because we are afraid of losing ourselves entirely. If we lose ourselves, then, what remains? But, maybe…just maybe…we will find that if we lose what we see as our self…we will find something even better than that self…wholeness, liberation, understanding. I HAVE NO IDEA about any of it! I think it will take me a lifetime to grasp, if that. I hope that I am blessed with enough days on Earth to seek it out…to at least get close. I hope the same for you.

Coconuts!

It hit me like a million coconuts last night. I had no idea what the heck I was doing when I started this endeavor. As I review the story I put down, I realize it is not quite the story I had hoped for. Far from it, in fact. I didn't want to see it as I was writing, but there is no escaping it now. I let the story get away from me. I rushed the process and I skipped corners (somewhat unconsciously) to get something "done" by my 30th birthday. Now, though, I am faced with a question. Will I be satisfied by just having "something" done by the deadline I had originally set even if it is not a "30-worthy something?" I think the answer, for me, is no. Certainly not.

And sooo...the announcement. I have changed my deadline -- a six month extension. Now, the goal for me is to get the story I REALLY want...in the format of my choosing..down on paper by the end of July 2011. It is a little disappointing to me. But, this is life. Life NEVER goes as planned and if it did....would it be any fun? Would we ever grow, would we ever learn? So, yes. It is a little disappointing, but at the same time...I am learning soooo much. Not just about what it takes to write a real story either. I am learning about me -- my strengths, my limitations, my fears, my dreams, my values.

I want to learn more, though. I am not the world. I want to learn about the world and the people in it. To take the time to be an astute observer and appreciate the various operating systems at work. There is so much to learn...isn't that fantastic? I hope I never get to the point where I can say I have learned it all for that would only mean that I gave up. I do not want to give up.

Happy Endings

It's been a little over a week since my last post. I went on vacation with my family and had a wonderful time, but we were all just so glad to be back. While we were there, I kept thinking about some of the feedback I have received from some of the people I am consulting with about the book. None of the feedback was negative...actually it was very constructive and much appreciated. I am still waiting to hear back from a few others and am looking forward to hearing their comments as well. Out of the points that were discussed and mentioned, was the need to evaluate whether or not a happy ending is necessary and effective. There are two sides to it really. One side holds that happy endings are out of touch with what really happens in the world. People want a story that they can connect to, that they can relate to. How many people can connect to a happy ending, especially in times like these? Also part of this is the understanding that some people actually enjoy turmoil, they like things to be left undone. Why else do people watch shows like Maury Pauvich, Jerry Springer, Real Housewives, etc. They have drama and people looooove it. Maybe it is because they like to feel like other people in the world are more messed up than they are...it's comforting....or maybe it's just entertaining to see something that you don't normally get to see in your life.

On the other side, there are people....people like me...who happen to love happy endings. I love when everything comes together, when there is a ray of hope left at the end of a story of brokenness. I'm always hoping for the two lovers in distress to stay together, for the underdog to win the big fight, etc, etc. Why? Because the world is full of so much unhappiness. There are so many times when things do not work out and seeing movies with happy endings makes you want to still keep hope alive. Without hope that things can work out or can get better, life is so dreary! Who wants that?

Both sides of the issue are valid, I think. What matters in context of me and the book is which route would be most appropriate and EFFECTIVE for what I want to accomplish. This question and several other issues I have with the way the book is right now are what I am going to be working on figuring out in the next couple weeks.

Another HUGE question that was posed to me was whether or not the audience I am aiming for can be reached through a book format. It is true, not many teenagers enjoy reading....and ones who have difficulties, like the ones in my book, enjoy reading even less. So, if I want to get a message to them....is a book going to do it? This is something that I thought about before, actually. Which is why I was going to make it an audiobook as well as a regular book, but I have been thinking more and more about it and it makes sense to present the story to these kids in a way that is more visual. So, now, I am thinking that maybe the book should not be a book. Maybe it should be a show or a movie or something. I have sooooo much to think about.

So, where I am right now is kind of back at square one. I know there are some major changes to the story that I want to make. I know that I have to decide on a better format (other than a book). So, can I still make my deadline...to get something done by my 30th birthday party? How much of my plans need to change to fit a new direction? It's kind of all up the air right now. I want to still keep the deadline though. Someone once told me that "without deadlines, we are dead," and it has stuck with me. It will be a challenge, but I am hopeful that I can get it done and make it even better and more effective than before. In other words, I still believe there will be a happy ending :)